Husbands.... and history

James and I just celebrated our one year anniversary. Yay for us!

But... I have these lurking and lingering feelings that I don't know what to do with. For those who don't know, this is marriage #2 for me. The first one ended the day before the first anniversary. As you can imagine, I was a little apprehensive about passing the one year mark. The day came and went uneventfully... the fight that I had felt lurking behind the corner came a few days later. It was so dumb too. You know that fight you get into because of communication issues? Yeah, it was that one. We let it get so out of hand though and it really scared me. I'm not sure if I was scared because of how upset we were with each other or because of history. As a side note, we did resolve the fight the next day after agreeing to spend the night in separate beds.

I desperately want to say I'm over the first marriage, the first husband and all the pain that came with it. But little things keep coming back to haunt me.

1. I'm half convinced God intended for me to be single. That communication issue mentioned above. Yeah, I take the blame for that one. I have such a tendency to be independent that I tend to forget to inform my husband of things. He takes that as me not including him in my life. (Not how I've ever meant it, I promise!) I like to be in charge of EVERYTHING, ALL THE TIME. I'm incredibly stubborn. Often times, I'm shocked to realized my dreams of the future are about what I want for myself. When I was mulling over the recent fight before it was resolved, I found myself wondering why I agreed to join lives with someone again. I feel inadequate to handle such a large and sensitive task.

2. Katie has a new found desire to know and understand her origins. I don't fault her for it but I also don't quite know how to handle it. The other day she wanted to know why she couldn't meet her biological father. What am I supposed to tell my five year old? I can't tell her the truth that he raped a 14 year old and now can't be around any minors. So instead I told her that he did a bad thing and the police took him to jail. Of course, she starts pushing and pushing to find out what he did. (Don't worry, I didn't tell her.) Next came her announcement that she doesn't want James to adopt her. This just about killed me and I am ever so grateful she made this announcement when just the two of us were together. After some digging, I found that her real concern is that if James adopts her she will never get to see who her first dad is/was. I reassured her that she had the option of seeking him out when she becomes an adult and told her I had some pictures of him that she could see if she wanted to. Having to go through those pictures satisfied her curiosity for now but it wiped me out emotionally for the evening.

3. Occasionally I run into people who were friends, some I considered very good friends, before the divorce that are no longer friends. I realize that divorces are hard for everyone but..... I am the type of person who has lots and lots of acquaintances but very few who I consider friends. I don't have a lot of extra time to give to people and relationships, so, nothing personal, but I'm intentionally selective about who I consider a "friend". It is so hard emotionally to cultivate an important relationship and have it slip away for reasons beyond my control. These occasional "run-ins" end up feeling so awkward, I'm sure for both parties. I wish they didn't have to be so. I always find myself wondering what these former friends think of me for my history.

I don't know what to do with these little things so I keep them to myself. This is not a healthy idea as I then have a tendency to dwell on them. I want to move on emotionally and mentally in m life. I don't want my history to taint my present and my future. I want the ability to not wonder what someone who has little bearing on my life thinks of me. Father above, grant me wisdom and peace....

Ugh, I guess this was a bearing of the soul sort of posting. To end on a more positive note, I turned all my paperwork into the school yesterday for graduation! May 2010 will mark the completion of my paralegal degree and I'm feeling mighty proud of myself for accomplishing (almost!) this goal!

~Andrea

It's been awhile!

I just came to the realization that it's been since July that I've posted anything here! Whoops on my part!
So here's where the story has gone since the last post...

The baby thing...
We unfortunately didn't have any success with trying to get pregnant. I was on fertility drugs for three months. These were the drugs that had very high success rates and should have fixed my problem without any trouble. Hmm.... don't need to say much more regarding what I think of those! My doctor told me after the third failed attempt, that she had done all she could for me and that I needed to see their fertility specialist if I wanted to continue. I had a hard time not thinking about how much more money that would cost. James and I talked about it a lot and decided maybe it wasn't the right time and stop the fertility treatments.

The house thing...
Well, we did try to buy a house. We were under contract for a 5 bedroom, 2 bath, 2000 sq. ft house on 1/3 of an acre in Windsor for over 6 weeks. Unfortunately the house was a short sale. October 30th marked the end of the 30 business days the seller's lender had to finish their end of the short sale and also, at that time, the last day we could completely be under contract and still get the $8,000 tax credit. October 30th came and went with the seller only managing to stop communicating with us. James and I decided that we both felt if we had to push and shove the deal through, it wasn't meant to be. We terminated our contract. Today, November 13th, we finally heard back that the seller was ready to go through with everything. Too bad for them we decided to take an anniversary vacation earlier this week with a portion of the money we had saved for the down payment! We both walked away from the deal with a peace that we were doing the right thing, even after today's phone call.

So what does this all mean for now?
Well to answer that question you have to first understand my personality better. I have an addiction to immediate gratification. Funny right? Too bad I'm serious! I am constantly busy, to the point that I drive my poor husband nuts. He gets really upset when I have to officially schedule in time for him. I can understand why.... So, even when I'm constantly busy, I still have to be involved in at least one project that will have immediate, or rapid, results. For example, going to school is going to get me where I want to be career wise but it doesn't even come close to counted towards the immediate gratification need. When I don't have any, I tend to start sinking into a depressed state. I hate being in that state, hate, hate, hate, hate it. It kills me and it kills my immediate family. So currently, I'm struggling. With nothing working out the "right" way, I feel like I and my life are sinking into a black hole. If I can keep my mind on other things, I'm ok. When I don't have anything else to dwell on.... I'm in trouble.

I think it's time to lift my eyes up and see what He has in mind, 'cause my plans aren't working out so well.

~Andrea