An Internal Battle

"When peace like a river, attendeth my way..."

The baby battle has raged in our home since before we were even married. James has wanted a baby as soon as possible for as long as I can remember. When we met, I'd made up my mind, through the help of spending three plus years as a single mom, that I had all the munchkins I needed or wanted. I was done.

"When sorrows like sea billows roll..."

Katie is my miracle baby. I was diagnosed with PCOS when I was 15 and told I would most likely have a very difficult time getting pregnant. I was also on birth control when she was conceived. Having gotten pregnant against all odds, and honestly my wishes, it was a bit shocking to me when three months of fertility treatment got me no where when I did want to get pregnant. Well, not completely no where. It got me fatter, moodier, depressed, removed... etc.

"Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say..."

For the reasons mentioned above, I have developed a severe aversion to the normally prescribed hormone pills for both PCOS and infertility. As such, I've started searching for homeopathic remedies. I came across one a few years ago that is good, Aunt Flow visited after one month of taking the pills, but the 18 pills a day gets old really fast. Did I mention how much I hate taking pills? I found a different regiment a few months ago, coming from Europe. I started taking the first herb/drug about two months ago. As some history, I've been in complete amenorrhea, total lack of a menstrual cycle, for over a year. Back to the story, the herb/drug is amazing and my husband can totally testify to this! My hormones had gotten so out of whack before that I was having a hard time control my temper and having some serious impulse problems. No more! As added benefit, I recently found some spotting and my ovaries have been kicking my rear, which, in my opinion, is fantastic!

"It is well, it is well with my soul..."

So why the internal battle? I am absolutely, completely and totally terrified at the thought of having more children. I've reached the point to where I want to have another child. Beyond that... I'm... completely lost. I've come up with every excuse in the book to push dealing with this away. "I have to finish school", "I have to get a better job", "We need to own a house."... on and on. I'm out of excuses. I'm terrified to deal with the pains of overcoming infertility. I'm terrified of being pregnant again. I'm terrified of what might happen with my job and how we will work out schedules with work. And on, and on, and on.

"It is well, it is well with my soul..."

I have a confession. It doesn't feel very well with my soul. Do I give up and let what happens, happen? Do I stand my ground and refuse to deal with it? Or... do I give in, look up, trust and let all be well with my soul?

~Andrea