An Escape…

This past week marked five years of marriage for James and I.  As all marriages, it hasn’t been the easiest thing in the world, but in reflecting on the past five years, I’ve come to the realization that those years have been good and that I love him more now than I could have ever imagined.  We fight and bicker, sometimes I think more than the “average” couple.  (I’m going to blame it on both of us being independent, stubborn, opinionate and strong in personality.  There’s no way we’re going to be quiet lambs around here with that combo.)  We’d been hoping to get away for the week but had to cut it down to a long weekend because of my work schedule.  We found an awesome Groupon and escaped to Santa Fe.  An entire weekend of doing nothing, no stress, no deadlines, no pressure was amazing.  I haven’t been that relaxed, calm and happy in so long.

During our weekend escape, I began thinking about how grateful I am and how blessed I am to have James.  He is my escape on a daily basis.  He’s the one person I know will always be there to embrace me and listen to my troubles, offer some advice and encourage me to let things go.  Our marriage isn’t perfect and I could easily spend all day ranting and raving about how it’s his fault for this reason or that but….   often, it’s my fault.  Being totally raw and honest, I have a terrible time controlling my impulses to react negatively with words and thoughts to anything contrary to what I want.  Things that don’t matter but change my plans derail me into a steamy mess that spews out nasty things.  I have such a terrible time just keeping my mouth shut and not getting that last dig in.  Awful, awful ugliness.  And I hate it, and I have such a terrible time controlling it.  I can be so awful and temperamental and yet…  he stays.  Not only does he stay, but he stands firm and yet gentle.  He gives me the space I need, chastises gently and is still there waiting to give me the hug I so desperately need.  I don’t know why he stays, sometime I think he’s crazy for it.  I asked him why while we were away this weekend.  First he blinked at me like I was crazy for asking.  Then he smiled, told me how much he loves me and gave me hug.

I am so grateful and so blessed that I have this patient, gentle and kind man as my husband. Thank you.

Andrea  

The Joy of the Heart

It’s been almost two months since my dad passed away.  I’ve sat in front of my computer so many times since he passed trying to come up with a cohesive post only to walk away without saying anything.  So much has happened since then.

My heart aches for my little brother.  I’m not sure what happened when my dad passed but my brother snapped.  Like went crazy snapped, like took a head long plunge of the cliff of all things rational snapped.  I have never seen an angrier, more hatred filled person, e.v.e.r.  Unfortunately for whatever reason, I am the target of the anger and hatred.  I’ve tried yelling back and I’ve tried apologizing for everything I can think of all to no avail.  I’ve been told he never wants to speak to me again and am never to have any contact with his family again.  I can’t even begin to explain how much my heart is breaking over this gapping wound in my family.  I’m baffled by the transpiring and timing of it as well.  Family was huge to my dad.  Every holiday, every birthday, every anniversary was family time and my dad made sure he found a time when everyone could come together to celebrate each special or not-so-special occasion.  Dad would be beyond distraught to see what we’ve become.

About a month before my dad passed, a good friend of my mom’s gave her a book called Jesus Calling.  It’s a daily devotional book.  My dad’s faith strengthened tenfold shortly before he passed.  He would have my mom read each daily devotion to him several times throughout the day.  My mom has continued reading it faithfully since his passing.  She has also purchased a copy of the book for each of her kids and grandkids.  I’m not going to lie, I’ve taken one peek into it.  It’s the gut-wrenching, hit you where it counts, Word of God kind of book.  I’m terrified of it.  Yep, terrified.  Why?  Because, dang it, I’m kinda ticked off right now.  I’m ticked off at my brother for what he’s doing, I’m ticked off at my mom and sister for continuing to maintain whatever semblance of a relationship with him that they can and most of all, I’m really ticked off at God for taking my dad.  I’ve always felt that we are all here for a specific purpose and when we’ve fulfilled our purpose, it’s time for us to go home.  This applies to my dad as well.  So then, why so ticked off?  Because the timing wasn’t right for me.  I’m (obviously!) still processing this but it feels good to put something down concretely about how I feel.  My mom keeps encouraging me to read the book I mentioned above.  She’s talked a lot about the strong theme in the book that encourages us to give our problems completed to God.  I think I’m still cradling mine in my cupped hands, whimpering and guarding it, kinda like that crazy ugly guy from the Lord of the Rings that refers to the ring as “My Precious”.  (Ugh… not so impressed with myself after puttin’ that one on paper!)

So why title this post “The Joy of the Heart”?  Because there’s something else going on at our house right now.  I’ve written before about our inability to get pregnant and the sorrow this has caused us.  What if that was the plan all along?  What if I needed to have my heart open for something else? … hmmm …   Meet Max, sorry no picture yet, the little man that is currently filling our spare bedroom and more importantly filling our hearts with joy.  He’s about one and a half and is the sweetest and easiest going kiddo ever.  We don’t know if we have him for ever yet but I’m pretty sure that while I’m stroking “My Precious”, God is working in bigger and better ways to help me find the joy of my heart.

Andrea

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Time

Time is such a crazy thing. It's something we so rarely truely think about. I run around crazy from day to day, never really stopping to notice the little things. Most of the time I don't even really stop to notice the big things either. Now that we're facing the very intense reality of my dad's passing becoming more and more imminent, I'm really struggling with how I've chosen to use my time lately. As my dad is slipping closer and closer into a state of no longer being able to communicate, each of the present family members has taken a few moments in private to say our good-byes. We've talked with him as a family and know when he passes he will be embraced by the arms of Christ. But I homestly think none of us feels completely at peace because of time. My dad was diagnosed with Stage IV Melanoma one month and three days ago. 34 days that have felt like they disappeared faster than the blink of an eye. Although we'll never know, supposedly the cancer has been invading his body for more like three years. I so desperately wish a few things had been different to give my family back some time. I wish that the dermatologist my dad went to see one year ago about the spot on his chin that was probably the start of all of this, had paid more attention to him. I wish so desperately that he had taken that little spot seriously and done a biopsy, even if only "to be on the safe side". A year ago would have given us the ability to take a family trip, truly carry out some family traditions and just spend more time together laughing. I desperately wish that his oncologist hadn't strung us out on hope for some treatment one month ago. I wish in addition to talking about the treatments he was hoping my dad would qualify for, he would have truly explained the gravity and seriousness of his disease and its progression and his true life expectancy to us. One month ago would have given us the ability to take another set of family pictures, record my dad reading a story for each of the grandgirls and make every second of the last 34 days count for a lifetime. As I watched my dad slip in out of consciousness tonight, I felt my heart breaking and mourning. Not so much for him passing and deparating this world but for the loss of time. For the memories we never had the chance to make. For losing out on the opportunities to record his face in a picture and his voice in a recording. For losing out on the ability to give my dad one last deep and emotional hug. I can't tell you what I would give to have him be able to sit up, wrap his arms around me and just hold me one more time. Andrea

The Hope of a Star

As Katie and I were heading home last night, she mentioned that she wanted to see a shooting star.  “Momma, I want to see a shooting star.  If I’m see one, I’m gonna wish on it with all my heart for my papa to get better from this awful cancer.  I’ve only had seven years with him and that’s not enough.  I need him to live until he’s 100.”  I, in my ever so practical and ridiculous ways, told her that I didn’t think a shooting star would help papa at this point.  I quickly realized my mistake and how callous and crushing I had been.  I quickly followed up with something along the lines of “but we should absolutely give it a try.”

When we got home a few minutes later, I started trying to fuss with putting the back seat in the car up.  It dawned on me how tired I was, that I could fix the seats in the morning and gave up.  I moved around to the other side of the car to help Katie get out and gather her things.  She and I have been watching Jupiter and Mercury move around in the sky off to the west of our house.  She noticed that the clouds had parted, they were visible and called out to me about it.  As I turned my eyes heavenward, I watched in amazement as the most brilliant and beautiful shooting star streaked its way above the sky.  It b-r-o-u-g-h-t me to my knees. The tears I had held all day came pouring forth and completely overwhelmed me.  I have never seen anything more beautiful or truly amazing and awe inspiring.

Upon first seeing the star, I was filled with an unbearable sense of grief and panic.   I grabbed my phone and frantically dialed my sister’s cell phone.  I was utterly convinced my dad had just passed and the star was his sign to me.  I had to ask her three or four times if anything had happened at that exact moment.  After being reassured repeatedly that he had not passed, nothing had happened and they were still waiting for him to be moved to a patient room at the hospital, I quietly hung up my phone and buried my head, tears and aching heart in my daughter’s hair.

As I’ve thought about these events throughout the day today, I’ve decided the star was a sign. Not a sign of sadness, but a sign of hope.  A lesson to me that just as we are told to have the faith of children, perhaps we are also to take cue from them on hoping.  That perhaps there is a miracle waiting for my dad.  That even if there isn’t and his time left with us is really as short as they say, that we can cling to the hope and knowledge of seeing him again. 

Baby Girl of mine, you keep hoping and wishing on those stars…

Another Letter

Dad -

Another thing I remember and will always cherish is your passion in the kitchen.  I know you haven’t enjoyed it the same way since your brain injury but I need to remember it the way it was during my childhood.  I loved watching you decorate cakes with your expert precision.  It still makes me chuckle thinking about you telling the story of making a perfect meringue with salt instead of sugar.  I don’t think you know but you inspired my love of all things cooking related.  Today, you are my favorite helper in the kitchen when James and I host family dinners.  While everyone else drives me crazy standing around my island and right in front of the sink and stove, you quietly pick up whatever needs done and effortlessly make it happen.  I love you so much for not complaining about peeling potatoes.

I feel like we’re losing you so fast.  Please wait… I’m not done making memories. 

To my Dad -

As I watched you struggle and grapple with your pain tonight, my heart started breaking.  For what was, for what is and for what I fear will never be.  You have been my rock for so long.  Our times together haven’t always been perfect, but they are all treasured.  I love your sense of humor, the way you used to get us every April Fools’ Day with a new practical joke.  I love the way you attract people to you and your charismatic personality. 

Some of my most cherished memories are of you sitting in the burgundy arm chair, listening to me play the piano.  I can never express how deeply grateful I am to you for pushing me and creating within me a love of music.  For the way you taught me to truly feel music instead of plunking down notes.  I wish, for you, I had pursued this passion you helped build further.  Know that I always play with you in mind. 

I found a new song that speaks so deeply to my heart.  I think you would like it too. The Fray - Be Still

I so desperately need you to fight this terrible disease.  I need you here to listen to me.  I don’t want to play to the empty burgundy chair.

I love you now and forever and always.

Musings

 

“Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass. It’s about learning to dance in the rain.”

This little quote was waiting for me in my inbox when I got to work this morning. I’m thinking it was slightly miraculous that I noticed it at all. It was at the bottom of a very, very long e-mail filled with pictures of dogs. Not.my.favorite.email.to.get.in.my.work.inbox, like at all, like completely and totally find annoying.  Getting past that(!), the quote has stuck with me all day.

I have a fantastic job. I work as a paralegal at a national law firm. Instead of the typical things you would think of a paralegal doing, I do title work. Want to know who has owned that land your house in on since the beginning of time? I can help you with that! Sometimes I think it would be cool to go to court and other such fancy schmancy things that other paralegals do but it wasn’t meant to be. The job I have offers me a lot of flexibility with my schedule, hello to working from home when I need to, an decent amount of respect and all the over-time I could possibly want, or maybe, more likely, my bank account wants. So what’s the problem? Uh…. me. Me and my most unbecoming gripey, whiney attitude that I’ve had of late. Point blank, I don’t want to work. I thought I had this banked but as life tends to do, it threw me a pretty crazy curve ball, and it’s not in the cards right now. I haven’t figured out how to dance in the rain of the work storm just yet. I think I’m satisfied with just analyzing it for now. I did figure out a few other ways to dance today though…

Money. Oy… we got troubles ‘round here. That story can be for another day. The dancing comes from my love affair with coffee. I love me some coffee. Not normal hot drippitty-drip coffee mind you. I’m talkin’ the largest iced, I just drank how many calories (!!!), deliciousness coffee. I know you know the kind I’m talkin’ about. It’s the four dollars a gulp kind of coffee. The, holy crap I spent thirty bucks on coffee this week, coffee. Ok… pretty sure you’ve got the point. Anywho’s… I was perusing around on the Pioneer Woman’s blog a few weeks back and came across a recipe for iced coffee. (thepioneerwoman.com/cooking/2011/06/perfect-iced-coffee/) (Hopefully I got that right and sorry if I didn’t give credit correctly. Had a blog for awhile but still have no idea how to use it!)  Um… you must try this. No really, really must try it. I haven’t been in a coffee shop in three weeks. My husband almost fell over when I told him that. I find it to be most delicious with plenty of sugar-free vanilla syrup, half-and-half and a couple good sized teaspoons (they might be more equivalent to tablespoon size, but I'm in denial about it right now) of sweetened condensed milk. Go, go right now, get the ingredients you don’t have, and make yourself some coffee concentrate. You will dance in the rain of your coffee money woes. I promise.

As a side note, I took some pictures of my coffee fun tonight but can’t post them. I can’t post them because I have no stinkin’ idea where the cord for my camera is. I have no idea where that cord is because my hubs moved it. I suppose since he moved it on account of his diligent cleaning of his desk that I’ve been begging him to tackle for some time, I really can’t complain, at least not too much. Besides, the Pioneer Woman takes much prettier pictures than I do.

I danced in the rain of life today by making cupcakes as well. I was coerced, ahem, I mean, asked to make cupcakes for a co-worker's baby shower luncheon on Friday. I love making cupcakes. They’re perdy and yummy and stress killing. I have the funniest mental picture ever right now, cupcakes with monster faces… the stress killing monster face cupcakes. Oy… the things that dance in my head. Tonight’s variety were of delicious chocolate cake, chocolate buttercream and bittersweet ganache. Oh me oh my…. so much for my work out this morning! I took pictures of the cupcakes too, but for stated reasons… perhaps I’ll post ‘em tomorrow. Perhaps also the chocolate cake recipe I use. I stole it from my cousin and you wouldn’t believe the things sour cream and pudding mix can do for a boxed cake mix!

This is how I danced today… how do you dance in the middle of the storms of your life?

Good Night!

~Andrea

It's all a matter of perspective...

I find my heart so heavy as I write this...

I've written several times about the infertility issues James and I have faced over the past three years and the emotional toll it takes. I've had my eyes open a bit today and have realize that a different perspective changes alot.

My brother and sister-in-law are pregnant with their first. They are due around the end of November. Mary had her first ultra sound during her routine fourth month check-up. Her doctor's office called back later that afternoon, requesting that she see a specialist for an different, more sophisticated ultra sound. All the more information they would give her was that she didn't have enough amniotic fluid and there seemed to be some debris by her cervix. Alex and Mary made the trip to Denver for the ultra sound and were told that in addition to not having enough amniotic fluid, Mary's placenta was deteriorating. The doctor told them to keep their chins up, for Mary to drink a gallon of water and take it easy and come back in three weeks.

Three weeks and the next appointment arrived today. My heart breaks for them. The amniotic fluid problem is much much worse. Their beautiful baby is dying. Baby J's kidneys are failing and has fluid around his/her heart. Mary is about 24 weeks at this point.

As much as my issues have been so incredibly painful, my perspective has changed and I find myself selfishly grateful. While the pain of being barren month after month can be unbearable, I pray I will never ever experience the unimaginable pain of carrying a child that I know is dying and I can't save. I cannot imagine sitting and waiting for my baby to finish dying, inside of me, and then have to deliver it. To lose a child would be unbearable but to not be able to hold my child and comfort her while she died... I have no words for that. I have no words for this and how heavy my heat is for them.

Everything is a matter of perspective. My pain may be great, but someone else's could always be far, far greater.

Please keep my brother, sister-in-law and unborn baby in your prayers.

~Andrea

An Internal Battle

"When peace like a river, attendeth my way..."

The baby battle has raged in our home since before we were even married. James has wanted a baby as soon as possible for as long as I can remember. When we met, I'd made up my mind, through the help of spending three plus years as a single mom, that I had all the munchkins I needed or wanted. I was done.

"When sorrows like sea billows roll..."

Katie is my miracle baby. I was diagnosed with PCOS when I was 15 and told I would most likely have a very difficult time getting pregnant. I was also on birth control when she was conceived. Having gotten pregnant against all odds, and honestly my wishes, it was a bit shocking to me when three months of fertility treatment got me no where when I did want to get pregnant. Well, not completely no where. It got me fatter, moodier, depressed, removed... etc.

"Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say..."

For the reasons mentioned above, I have developed a severe aversion to the normally prescribed hormone pills for both PCOS and infertility. As such, I've started searching for homeopathic remedies. I came across one a few years ago that is good, Aunt Flow visited after one month of taking the pills, but the 18 pills a day gets old really fast. Did I mention how much I hate taking pills? I found a different regiment a few months ago, coming from Europe. I started taking the first herb/drug about two months ago. As some history, I've been in complete amenorrhea, total lack of a menstrual cycle, for over a year. Back to the story, the herb/drug is amazing and my husband can totally testify to this! My hormones had gotten so out of whack before that I was having a hard time control my temper and having some serious impulse problems. No more! As added benefit, I recently found some spotting and my ovaries have been kicking my rear, which, in my opinion, is fantastic!

"It is well, it is well with my soul..."

So why the internal battle? I am absolutely, completely and totally terrified at the thought of having more children. I've reached the point to where I want to have another child. Beyond that... I'm... completely lost. I've come up with every excuse in the book to push dealing with this away. "I have to finish school", "I have to get a better job", "We need to own a house."... on and on. I'm out of excuses. I'm terrified to deal with the pains of overcoming infertility. I'm terrified of being pregnant again. I'm terrified of what might happen with my job and how we will work out schedules with work. And on, and on, and on.

"It is well, it is well with my soul..."

I have a confession. It doesn't feel very well with my soul. Do I give up and let what happens, happen? Do I stand my ground and refuse to deal with it? Or... do I give in, look up, trust and let all be well with my soul?

~Andrea

Slow but Steady Progress

Well... I've been slacking a bit in the faithful posting world but it is what it is! In between work, more work, family life and few other things, we have managed to make somme progress in the home improvement department! We decided to do one room at a time, starting with the downstairs family room. We're still working in there but getting close to being done!

Here's a look at it from a few different angles a month ago:



So bare here!



And here!



And this is what it looks like now:





My father-in-law came up a few weekends ago and helped the hubs put together the sofa table. So much cheaper than purchasing one! I found the lamps at Habitat ReStore before we moved for a whopping three dollars a piece. They started out with the metal parts being a lovely brass color. Love me some brass! Nothing that a can of silver spray paint can't fix! I have plans to put more decorative items on the table but haven't made it to Hobby Lobby just yet...

The hubs and I actually made the bench together. I have to say I'm pretty darn proud of us! We did it with very minimal squabbling and it doesn't look too bad. The baskets are the perfect catch all for shoes, gloves, scarfs and whatever else gets dropped in them. I hate having clutter, or much of anything, lying around but its hard to get the hubs and the munchkin to put everything away. Baskets that encourage dumping seem to be the solution around here! The shelf was a cheap pick-up at JoAnn's. I spray painted it black and then covered the black with a crackle coat. It looks ok but I'm not sure I'll use the crackle stuff again, not super impressed with it. The mirrors I bought somewhere around ten years ago in the Wal-Mart clearance section. They started out an odd silverish nickle color that the hubs truly detested. Nothing that a can of cream spray paint can't fix! Add a few specks of green here and there a voila! I still want to add a cushion and some big pillows to the top of the bench but a quick emergency trip to New York sorta took the extra cash for the month... bummer!

Finally... I bought a new sign for the front door.



I'm so ready for spring!

~Andrea

Inspiration!

I have been inspired. I am in love and super excited to start sharing with you. What is this new found inspiration you ask? DIY Projects. I.am.in.love. I think this blog might start shifting in such direction so I hope you enjoy the ride!

My first project? Well... we just moved into a new house. A larger house, which is quite lovely in that I'm not running into walls constantly anymore but not so lovely in that we're a a little short on furniture. Although I've been drooling over the Ethan Allen catalog lately... I'm thinking the New Country Media Center would look b.e.a..utiful in my loft... I just can't quite bring myself to pay $5,000+ for an entertainment center. On to the new inspiration... ReStore by Habitat for Humanity and the GoodWill Store. I.love.them. They are my newest bestties.

Listen to me get carried away... entertainment centers. Something nice and pretty, dark wood with silver knobs. Yes, yes... this is what I'm dreaming of! Price... well... how about... $15. Um yeah.. I think that sounds fantastic. Not possible you say... let's see about that...

Here's what I bought:





Oh yes. I bought this lovely little dresser for $15. Wait, wait you say... I thought we were talking about entertainment centers. We are! Keep watching...





First we took all the drawers out. Then I decided it would work a little better and look more like it was intended to be an entertainment center if we took the middle shelf out, so we did just that!. We broke the lower drawers apart and used the wood to fill in the shelves. Some stripping, some sanding, some more stripping, some more sanding... yeah, yeah, you get the point: we put in some elbow grease time! Then for the stain...





Oh my, oh my... I.am.in.love. LOVE!!! Here's what it looks like with the pretty little silver knobs and sitting pretty in my new family room:





Like I said... love. The hubs and I were looking at a similar one at a local discount furniture store. They only wanted $600 for it. HA! I say, ha! I got mine for $60. Oh yes... you know you can picture my huge grin right about now.

Stay tuned... I have a whole house to play with and SO many ideas drifting around that I can't wait to get started! Next up? I believe a tour of the downstairs is in order!

~Andrea

A Story about the Munchkin...

It's time for a story about the munchkin in my life. Let me preface the story with this, I'm so proud of her.

Last week was parent teacher conference time at the school she attends. I went expecting the usual report and wasn't disappointed. Here is one part of where my pride in her is coming from...

Her teacher and I discussed her reading, writing and spelling skills. Finally we arrived at the subject of her math skills. She started the conversation by stating that my munchkin is being pulled out of half of the class's math time to go to a special class. She then asked me if I had gotten a chance to see the charts on the walls outside the 1st grade classroom. Having been a little on the verge of being late to my 7pm conference with her, I totally failed to even notice them, much less look at them. She told me that she needed to explain something that was going on in the computer lab for me to be able to understand the Munch's current math skills. She explained to me that the kids have been playing a math game during computer lab since the beginning of the year. Each level of the game consists of 30 to 40 math problems. The kids have to answer a certain number of them correctly in a set amount of time to pass each level. There are 10 levels of addition, 10 of subtraction and so on. She tells me that half of her class is still working on passing level one. The other half, minus two boys and my munchkin, are working on level two. The two boys are working on level four. She pauses a bit, I'm guessing for effect... which works 'cause I was totally holding my breath at that point. She looks me in the eyes and proceeds to say, "And your daughter... is currently working on level 14."

I'm a beaming Mommy... enough said.

P.S. The munchkin just caught me writing this, and as the reading skills are also advanced, read the end of the story and protested. Apparently she's on level sixteen now... my bad.

Love...

... "keeps no record of wrong" (I Corinthians 13:5)

Part of a beautiful and well known passage, words have never posed such a challenge. How many times have I read this passage and skipped these words?. Have I ever dared to take the words at face value? Could you? All I hear are an awful lot of "buts!" rattling around in my head...

There's been some drama afoot in my world. Through a series of events it has come to light that my beloved husband has been telling some whoppers for awhile. Without going into much detail, let's just say that I found out that my in-laws, whom I had never met and was led to believe hated me and were monsterous, are actually wonderful people and they in turn found out about my existence along with the fact that their son is married. Yep, you read it right... married.... for almost two years.

*Sigh* Anyone feel like curling up with me and ignoring everyone for awhile? *Sigh* Well since that isn't going to work, how about some yelling, crying, etc. Unfortunately, that's not working for me either. My heart keeps screaming out for me to look to Someone above myself. But I've been protesting. Why? I'm not sure.

Well, ok. Maybe I kinda have an idea. It's this verse above. 'Cause dang it! I want to be mad, and stomp my feet, and throw a fit, and pout, and, and, and... that verse just isn't playing along with my pity party. Here's how my recent conversation with God went:

"I'm mad"
"Ok"
"I want to throw a big fit."
"Do you love him?"
"Well yes, but I deserve to get back at him!"
"Really? Why's that?"
"Because he hurt me."
"But you said you love him."
"And?" (Yes, there was some attitude from me during this conversation. I think He just ignored it.)
"Love is patient, love is kind."
"I know, I know... but I just want to be upset right now."
"Why?"
"Because he deserves to have me be mad at him."
"It keeps no record of wrong. You said you love him, do you really?" (Maybe He didn't really ignore my attitude, but rather knew it would bite me later.)
Ouch... where the heck do I go from there?

*Sigh* So now I fight this battle within me, 'cause let's face it... I'm a woman and I'm really good at remembering those wrongs and keeping a record of them. My close friends and family that know about the drama mentioned above keep talking about how I've "handled it so well" and such and such. Um... not so much.

Do I love him? Yes. Do I love him enough to prove it by taking those words above at face value? Ugh... Do I have the ability to die to self and cherish true love between us? Why is this so stinkin' hard?

"But the greatest of these is love."

And in pursuit of the greatest... all I can do is try so let the internal chants begin... "Let it go, let it go. Let love be the greatest."

~Andrea

Whew!!!

Whew! It's been a crazy couple of weeks!Let's see if I can remember what's been going on...

First, the diet. Don't worry, I didn't give up! I made it to thirty days. Final results of the first round?!?! 27 pounds and 21 inches GONE! Whoo hoo!!! You have to wait six weeks in between rounds so your body doesn't become immune to the HcG. I'm pretty stoked to start round two at the end of May. On the other hand though, I am pretty excited to eat some different foods for awhile too. I'd kinda had enough of chicken, fish, fruits and vegetables.

Second, we had a minor catastrophe at our house two weeks ago. My darling husband forgot to pay attention when he was backing his Tahoe out of our garage and took out the front of my car. Grrr!!! I was a little more than upset. It caused about $1800 worth of damages and my poor little car had to get towed to the body shop because it was undrivable. Yes... it was really that bad. I am so grateful that we have insurance though! We only have to cough up $500 for the deductible. It's a decent amount of money, but easy for us to pull out of savings. The insurance company is paying the rest of the damages, paid for the tow truck and also paid for a rental car for the entire time my car is in the shop.

Perhaps this is silly, but the little accident really affected me and for totally selfish reasons. My little car, a 2006 shiny red Volvo S40, is one of my babies. I have always, always wanted to drive a Volvo. Kinda weird for a little kid, huh? So,its a dream fulfillment. It also symbolized a significant time in my life. I've talked a little bit about my ex-husband and divorce in some past posts. One of the hardest parts of the divorce was the financial world. When everything happened, the financial world of the marriage fell on my shoulders alone, with only half the income. As you can imagine, it killed, like super-killed, my credit. I worked at those bills and situation for two years. I had to put every extra penny towards bills and had to work with a company that fixes credit scores before I finally pulled myself out of the hole. The Volvo was the first major purchase, that relied on my credit score, that I was able to make after the divorce. I still remember that day... I was shocked beyond belief when they said I was approved for financing and without them having to pull any strings. All that said... that car means a lot to me and it, this feels silly but..., emotionally wounded me to have him run into it. Oh silly me... the things I worry about and care about. I don't really have a conclusion for this section yet, I guess I haven't quite figured it out yet!

Well... there were some other things that happened in the past few weeks but it's getting late and I've been trying to get up at 4:30 am to work out before going to work. Time for bed!

~Andrea

Updates and Ponderings

So... today is day 15 of me being on the HcG diet. It is fabulous! My mild hunger I had the first week has mostly subsided which is making it easier to be on the diet. I weighed in and took inches today. In two short weeks I have lost 20.6 pounds and 15.5 overall inches! Whoo hoo! And that about sums up how excited I am about all of this! In addition to all of this, I think my hormones are starting to get under control. I have a lovely little thing called PCOS. I have had a terrible time with acne for the past 10+ years. I have tried absolutely everything out there to help with it to no avail. It has been soooo frustrating. Guess what? My face and back have TOTALLY cleared up for perhaps the first time since I was a teenager. Not only am I super stoked about that but it is also giving me hope that my body may heal enough that we can get pregnant. That would be the ultimate accomplishment in my book.

My heart is pondering what to do with my little one and her education. She is in kindergarten in the local public school. It's not working out so well to say the least. She went into kindergarten knowing how to read, write, ABC's, count to 100+, and basic addition and subtraction. She doesn't want to go anymore because she's so bored. She came home a couple weeks ago and asked if I could do 1st grade with her over the summer so they would let her go to 2nd grade in the fall. *Sigh* What to do, what to do. We can't afford to send her to a private school. There is a charter school in town and she's been on the waiting list for two years now. Too bad there's 100+ kids on EACH grade's waiting list. I'm having a hard time with the unknown too. It's going to be a $200 investment in materials if I teach her over the summer and I have no idea whether or not they will actually let her move on. *Sigh* I want the absolute best for my daughter but I'm not too sure what direction leads to that right now.

~Andrea

One Week!

Today will be the completion of week number one on the HcG diet! I am so impressed with myself for having the will power to follow the diet perfectly. This is SO unlike me! So keeping in mind that I gained 5 lbs on the load days, I have lost an additional 10 pounds! Whoo hoo! That means my body has kicked out 15 pounds of icky fat in 5 days of VLCD! I checked my inches for the first time this morning too. I was skeptical but... 8 inches! Gone! Amazing!

Although I'm super stoked about all this weight loss, I do have something else on my heart. My little sister. She is in a really bad relationship, again. My whole family wants to go get her and bring her home but, it doesn't feel like the right thing to do. I'm having a hard time with it because some of things that are going on are like deja vu for me from my ex-husband. *Sigh* I guess it's just the waiting game and prayin' time.

~Andrea

It's getting exciting!

Are you ready for an update?!?! Well, I am ready to give you one!

Today is day number six on the Pounds and Inches protocol. It is my fourth day on the Very Low Calorie Diet. I have to say... I'm addicted to food! My poor family has had to deal with a grumpy momma the past few days. I promise I'm trying to be happy but well... there isn't enough chocolate on this diet! (Hee hee) I haven't cheated yet which I'm pretty impressed with. I also haven't exercised at all yet, just followed the diet.

So.... did I make you wait long enough for some numbers? Keep in mind that I gained five pounds on the two load days. However, I have since lost that five pounds along with an additional six pounds. Yes, that's right. My body has shed itself of eleven pounds in four days! Can you believe that?!?! I am so stoked about it! This is my miracle diet and I am so glad I found it!

~Andrea

Day Four

So today is day four of my journey to my weight loss goals. I'm following the Pounds and Inches protocol. It's been a little difficult but not too bad. Oddly the difficulty hasn't been physical, it's mental and emotional. I didn't realize the draws I had to food in those manners until just recently. I find myself thinking about what to make for dinner while I'm at work only to realize that I can't eat whatever I'm thinking of. The next thing I realize is how sad I feel about not being able to eat those things. Good grief girl! It's only food! I'm starting to be in awe of how misplaced some of my passions have been. I think this experience is going to be a "cleaning out the junk in the trunk" experience on a physical and mental level.

For the stats so far... I gained five pounds on the load days and I lost all five of those pounds yesterday, which was my first day on the Very Low Calorie Diet. (Like we're talking 500 calories here people!) Can't wait to see the progress on the scale tomorrow morning! (I feel like getting on the scale about 20 times a day right now!)

~Andrea

The Diet so Far...

Today is day 2 of the HcG diet for me. I know it probably sounds totally crazy but the first two days are called "loading days". In other terms, you take your HcG drops like you're supposed to and you have to eat absolutely everything in sight. Crazyness! I managed to not forget to take all my drops. Yay for me 'cause I wasn't so sure about that and I'm still a bit apprehensive about the future on that one. I've also mastered putting them under my tongue without a mirror. This was a needed skill because of work. I don't have easy access to a mirror all day long. Yesterday was hard from the aspect of, get this, I was sooo not hungry the second part of the day. I thought I was going to puke just from the sight of food. Guess that's a good thing. It's lunch right now and I'm working on a pepperoni pizza... slowly working on it. I'm not so hungry today either. I say this is a good thing because tomorrow starts the VLCD (Very Low Calorie Diet). If I'm not too hungry now, tomorrow should be easier. I gained weight yesterday but that was expected. Day four of this diet better show a weight loss!

I'll keep you updated on the diet progress but that's all for now!
~Andrea

Time to Jump on the Band Wagon!

Ugh... I'm reading the title I just posted and wishing the coincidence wasn't true, but it is and well, oh well. Do you want to know what I'm talking about? I'm jumping on the "Time to lose some weight and get healthy" band wagon. My history: I've always had trouble in the weight department, always, always always. I've decided that I'm quitting this little problem! Hmph! Enough!

I'm starting the Pounds and Inches/HcG diet tomorrow. (If you don't know what it is, google it and read the free e-book you can find on it.) It's a pretty rigid diet and protocol but people get fantastic results on it and I actually need something strict. I do better with limited choices. So... I have to confess that I'm nervous about starting it. I don't know why but I feel like a big chicken. Oh, and I am NOT currently interested in posting my body stats. I'll probably do it after I've lost some weight and am ready to play the "Wow" factor card.

In other news(I get a kick out of saying that), James and I had a fabulous day. No particular reason other than just 'cause. You know those days when you just truly connect with your spouse on a deeper level? Yep, it's been one of those days and I'm lovin' it! I also took my CAAP graduation test and I'm glad to have that out of the way and be one step closer to graduating! Now I just need to find a new job, anyone need a paralegal? I catered for my mom's store tonight too. She owns a quilt shop and they do "late-night" sews once a month. It gives me practice catering for an easy to please crowd and brings in some extra cash, which is always good!

Hope your Sunday is fabulous!

~Andrea