I find my heart so heavy as I write this...
I've written several times about the infertility issues James and I have faced over the past three years and the emotional toll it takes. I've had my eyes open a bit today and have realize that a different perspective changes alot.
My brother and sister-in-law are pregnant with their first. They are due around the end of November. Mary had her first ultra sound during her routine fourth month check-up. Her doctor's office called back later that afternoon, requesting that she see a specialist for an different, more sophisticated ultra sound. All the more information they would give her was that she didn't have enough amniotic fluid and there seemed to be some debris by her cervix. Alex and Mary made the trip to Denver for the ultra sound and were told that in addition to not having enough amniotic fluid, Mary's placenta was deteriorating. The doctor told them to keep their chins up, for Mary to drink a gallon of water and take it easy and come back in three weeks.
Three weeks and the next appointment arrived today. My heart breaks for them. The amniotic fluid problem is much much worse. Their beautiful baby is dying. Baby J's kidneys are failing and has fluid around his/her heart. Mary is about 24 weeks at this point.
As much as my issues have been so incredibly painful, my perspective has changed and I find myself selfishly grateful. While the pain of being barren month after month can be unbearable, I pray I will never ever experience the unimaginable pain of carrying a child that I know is dying and I can't save. I cannot imagine sitting and waiting for my baby to finish dying, inside of me, and then have to deliver it. To lose a child would be unbearable but to not be able to hold my child and comfort her while she died... I have no words for that. I have no words for this and how heavy my heat is for them.
Everything is a matter of perspective. My pain may be great, but someone else's could always be far, far greater.
Please keep my brother, sister-in-law and unborn baby in your prayers.
~Andrea
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
An Internal Battle
"When peace like a river, attendeth my way..."
The baby battle has raged in our home since before we were even married. James has wanted a baby as soon as possible for as long as I can remember. When we met, I'd made up my mind, through the help of spending three plus years as a single mom, that I had all the munchkins I needed or wanted. I was done.
"When sorrows like sea billows roll..."
Katie is my miracle baby. I was diagnosed with PCOS when I was 15 and told I would most likely have a very difficult time getting pregnant. I was also on birth control when she was conceived. Having gotten pregnant against all odds, and honestly my wishes, it was a bit shocking to me when three months of fertility treatment got me no where when I did want to get pregnant. Well, not completely no where. It got me fatter, moodier, depressed, removed... etc.
"Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say..."
For the reasons mentioned above, I have developed a severe aversion to the normally prescribed hormone pills for both PCOS and infertility. As such, I've started searching for homeopathic remedies. I came across one a few years ago that is good, Aunt Flow visited after one month of taking the pills, but the 18 pills a day gets old really fast. Did I mention how much I hate taking pills? I found a different regiment a few months ago, coming from Europe. I started taking the first herb/drug about two months ago. As some history, I've been in complete amenorrhea, total lack of a menstrual cycle, for over a year. Back to the story, the herb/drug is amazing and my husband can totally testify to this! My hormones had gotten so out of whack before that I was having a hard time control my temper and having some serious impulse problems. No more! As added benefit, I recently found some spotting and my ovaries have been kicking my rear, which, in my opinion, is fantastic!
"It is well, it is well with my soul..."
So why the internal battle? I am absolutely, completely and totally terrified at the thought of having more children. I've reached the point to where I want to have another child. Beyond that... I'm... completely lost. I've come up with every excuse in the book to push dealing with this away. "I have to finish school", "I have to get a better job", "We need to own a house."... on and on. I'm out of excuses. I'm terrified to deal with the pains of overcoming infertility. I'm terrified of being pregnant again. I'm terrified of what might happen with my job and how we will work out schedules with work. And on, and on, and on.
"It is well, it is well with my soul..."
I have a confession. It doesn't feel very well with my soul. Do I give up and let what happens, happen? Do I stand my ground and refuse to deal with it? Or... do I give in, look up, trust and let all be well with my soul?
~Andrea
The baby battle has raged in our home since before we were even married. James has wanted a baby as soon as possible for as long as I can remember. When we met, I'd made up my mind, through the help of spending three plus years as a single mom, that I had all the munchkins I needed or wanted. I was done.
"When sorrows like sea billows roll..."
Katie is my miracle baby. I was diagnosed with PCOS when I was 15 and told I would most likely have a very difficult time getting pregnant. I was also on birth control when she was conceived. Having gotten pregnant against all odds, and honestly my wishes, it was a bit shocking to me when three months of fertility treatment got me no where when I did want to get pregnant. Well, not completely no where. It got me fatter, moodier, depressed, removed... etc.
"Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say..."
For the reasons mentioned above, I have developed a severe aversion to the normally prescribed hormone pills for both PCOS and infertility. As such, I've started searching for homeopathic remedies. I came across one a few years ago that is good, Aunt Flow visited after one month of taking the pills, but the 18 pills a day gets old really fast. Did I mention how much I hate taking pills? I found a different regiment a few months ago, coming from Europe. I started taking the first herb/drug about two months ago. As some history, I've been in complete amenorrhea, total lack of a menstrual cycle, for over a year. Back to the story, the herb/drug is amazing and my husband can totally testify to this! My hormones had gotten so out of whack before that I was having a hard time control my temper and having some serious impulse problems. No more! As added benefit, I recently found some spotting and my ovaries have been kicking my rear, which, in my opinion, is fantastic!
"It is well, it is well with my soul..."
So why the internal battle? I am absolutely, completely and totally terrified at the thought of having more children. I've reached the point to where I want to have another child. Beyond that... I'm... completely lost. I've come up with every excuse in the book to push dealing with this away. "I have to finish school", "I have to get a better job", "We need to own a house."... on and on. I'm out of excuses. I'm terrified to deal with the pains of overcoming infertility. I'm terrified of being pregnant again. I'm terrified of what might happen with my job and how we will work out schedules with work. And on, and on, and on.
"It is well, it is well with my soul..."
I have a confession. It doesn't feel very well with my soul. Do I give up and let what happens, happen? Do I stand my ground and refuse to deal with it? Or... do I give in, look up, trust and let all be well with my soul?
~Andrea
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Slow but Steady Progress
Well... I've been slacking a bit in the faithful posting world but it is what it is! In between work, more work, family life and few other things, we have managed to make somme progress in the home improvement department! We decided to do one room at a time, starting with the downstairs family room. We're still working in there but getting close to being done!
Here's a look at it from a few different angles a month ago:
So bare here!
And here!
And this is what it looks like now:
My father-in-law came up a few weekends ago and helped the hubs put together the sofa table. So much cheaper than purchasing one! I found the lamps at Habitat ReStore before we moved for a whopping three dollars a piece. They started out with the metal parts being a lovely brass color. Love me some brass! Nothing that a can of silver spray paint can't fix! I have plans to put more decorative items on the table but haven't made it to Hobby Lobby just yet...
The hubs and I actually made the bench together. I have to say I'm pretty darn proud of us! We did it with very minimal squabbling and it doesn't look too bad. The baskets are the perfect catch all for shoes, gloves, scarfs and whatever else gets dropped in them. I hate having clutter, or much of anything, lying around but its hard to get the hubs and the munchkin to put everything away. Baskets that encourage dumping seem to be the solution around here! The shelf was a cheap pick-up at JoAnn's. I spray painted it black and then covered the black with a crackle coat. It looks ok but I'm not sure I'll use the crackle stuff again, not super impressed with it. The mirrors I bought somewhere around ten years ago in the Wal-Mart clearance section. They started out an odd silverish nickle color that the hubs truly detested. Nothing that a can of cream spray paint can't fix! Add a few specks of green here and there a voila! I still want to add a cushion and some big pillows to the top of the bench but a quick emergency trip to New York sorta took the extra cash for the month... bummer!
Finally... I bought a new sign for the front door.
I'm so ready for spring!
~Andrea
Here's a look at it from a few different angles a month ago:
So bare here!
And here!
And this is what it looks like now:
My father-in-law came up a few weekends ago and helped the hubs put together the sofa table. So much cheaper than purchasing one! I found the lamps at Habitat ReStore before we moved for a whopping three dollars a piece. They started out with the metal parts being a lovely brass color. Love me some brass! Nothing that a can of silver spray paint can't fix! I have plans to put more decorative items on the table but haven't made it to Hobby Lobby just yet...
The hubs and I actually made the bench together. I have to say I'm pretty darn proud of us! We did it with very minimal squabbling and it doesn't look too bad. The baskets are the perfect catch all for shoes, gloves, scarfs and whatever else gets dropped in them. I hate having clutter, or much of anything, lying around but its hard to get the hubs and the munchkin to put everything away. Baskets that encourage dumping seem to be the solution around here! The shelf was a cheap pick-up at JoAnn's. I spray painted it black and then covered the black with a crackle coat. It looks ok but I'm not sure I'll use the crackle stuff again, not super impressed with it. The mirrors I bought somewhere around ten years ago in the Wal-Mart clearance section. They started out an odd silverish nickle color that the hubs truly detested. Nothing that a can of cream spray paint can't fix! Add a few specks of green here and there a voila! I still want to add a cushion and some big pillows to the top of the bench but a quick emergency trip to New York sorta took the extra cash for the month... bummer!
Finally... I bought a new sign for the front door.
I'm so ready for spring!
~Andrea
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Inspiration!
I have been inspired. I am in love and super excited to start sharing with you. What is this new found inspiration you ask? DIY Projects. I.am.in.love. I think this blog might start shifting in such direction so I hope you enjoy the ride!
My first project? Well... we just moved into a new house. A larger house, which is quite lovely in that I'm not running into walls constantly anymore but not so lovely in that we're a a little short on furniture. Although I've been drooling over the Ethan Allen catalog lately... I'm thinking the New Country Media Center would look b.e.a..utiful in my loft... I just can't quite bring myself to pay $5,000+ for an entertainment center. On to the new inspiration... ReStore by Habitat for Humanity and the GoodWill Store. I.love.them. They are my newest bestties.
Listen to me get carried away... entertainment centers. Something nice and pretty, dark wood with silver knobs. Yes, yes... this is what I'm dreaming of! Price... well... how about... $15. Um yeah.. I think that sounds fantastic. Not possible you say... let's see about that...
Here's what I bought:
Oh yes. I bought this lovely little dresser for $15. Wait, wait you say... I thought we were talking about entertainment centers. We are! Keep watching...
First we took all the drawers out. Then I decided it would work a little better and look more like it was intended to be an entertainment center if we took the middle shelf out, so we did just that!. We broke the lower drawers apart and used the wood to fill in the shelves. Some stripping, some sanding, some more stripping, some more sanding... yeah, yeah, you get the point: we put in some elbow grease time! Then for the stain...
Oh my, oh my... I.am.in.love. LOVE!!! Here's what it looks like with the pretty little silver knobs and sitting pretty in my new family room:
Like I said... love. The hubs and I were looking at a similar one at a local discount furniture store. They only wanted $600 for it. HA! I say, ha! I got mine for $60. Oh yes... you know you can picture my huge grin right about now.
Stay tuned... I have a whole house to play with and SO many ideas drifting around that I can't wait to get started! Next up? I believe a tour of the downstairs is in order!
~Andrea
My first project? Well... we just moved into a new house. A larger house, which is quite lovely in that I'm not running into walls constantly anymore but not so lovely in that we're a a little short on furniture. Although I've been drooling over the Ethan Allen catalog lately... I'm thinking the New Country Media Center would look b.e.a..utiful in my loft... I just can't quite bring myself to pay $5,000+ for an entertainment center. On to the new inspiration... ReStore by Habitat for Humanity and the GoodWill Store. I.love.them. They are my newest bestties.
Listen to me get carried away... entertainment centers. Something nice and pretty, dark wood with silver knobs. Yes, yes... this is what I'm dreaming of! Price... well... how about... $15. Um yeah.. I think that sounds fantastic. Not possible you say... let's see about that...
Here's what I bought:
Oh yes. I bought this lovely little dresser for $15. Wait, wait you say... I thought we were talking about entertainment centers. We are! Keep watching...
First we took all the drawers out. Then I decided it would work a little better and look more like it was intended to be an entertainment center if we took the middle shelf out, so we did just that!. We broke the lower drawers apart and used the wood to fill in the shelves. Some stripping, some sanding, some more stripping, some more sanding... yeah, yeah, you get the point: we put in some elbow grease time! Then for the stain...
Oh my, oh my... I.am.in.love. LOVE!!! Here's what it looks like with the pretty little silver knobs and sitting pretty in my new family room:
Like I said... love. The hubs and I were looking at a similar one at a local discount furniture store. They only wanted $600 for it. HA! I say, ha! I got mine for $60. Oh yes... you know you can picture my huge grin right about now.
Stay tuned... I have a whole house to play with and SO many ideas drifting around that I can't wait to get started! Next up? I believe a tour of the downstairs is in order!
~Andrea
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
A Story about the Munchkin...
It's time for a story about the munchkin in my life. Let me preface the story with this, I'm so proud of her.
Last week was parent teacher conference time at the school she attends. I went expecting the usual report and wasn't disappointed. Here is one part of where my pride in her is coming from...
Her teacher and I discussed her reading, writing and spelling skills. Finally we arrived at the subject of her math skills. She started the conversation by stating that my munchkin is being pulled out of half of the class's math time to go to a special class. She then asked me if I had gotten a chance to see the charts on the walls outside the 1st grade classroom. Having been a little on the verge of being late to my 7pm conference with her, I totally failed to even notice them, much less look at them. She told me that she needed to explain something that was going on in the computer lab for me to be able to understand the Munch's current math skills. She explained to me that the kids have been playing a math game during computer lab since the beginning of the year. Each level of the game consists of 30 to 40 math problems. The kids have to answer a certain number of them correctly in a set amount of time to pass each level. There are 10 levels of addition, 10 of subtraction and so on. She tells me that half of her class is still working on passing level one. The other half, minus two boys and my munchkin, are working on level two. The two boys are working on level four. She pauses a bit, I'm guessing for effect... which works 'cause I was totally holding my breath at that point. She looks me in the eyes and proceeds to say, "And your daughter... is currently working on level 14."
I'm a beaming Mommy... enough said.
P.S. The munchkin just caught me writing this, and as the reading skills are also advanced, read the end of the story and protested. Apparently she's on level sixteen now... my bad.
Last week was parent teacher conference time at the school she attends. I went expecting the usual report and wasn't disappointed. Here is one part of where my pride in her is coming from...
Her teacher and I discussed her reading, writing and spelling skills. Finally we arrived at the subject of her math skills. She started the conversation by stating that my munchkin is being pulled out of half of the class's math time to go to a special class. She then asked me if I had gotten a chance to see the charts on the walls outside the 1st grade classroom. Having been a little on the verge of being late to my 7pm conference with her, I totally failed to even notice them, much less look at them. She told me that she needed to explain something that was going on in the computer lab for me to be able to understand the Munch's current math skills. She explained to me that the kids have been playing a math game during computer lab since the beginning of the year. Each level of the game consists of 30 to 40 math problems. The kids have to answer a certain number of them correctly in a set amount of time to pass each level. There are 10 levels of addition, 10 of subtraction and so on. She tells me that half of her class is still working on passing level one. The other half, minus two boys and my munchkin, are working on level two. The two boys are working on level four. She pauses a bit, I'm guessing for effect... which works 'cause I was totally holding my breath at that point. She looks me in the eyes and proceeds to say, "And your daughter... is currently working on level 14."
I'm a beaming Mommy... enough said.
P.S. The munchkin just caught me writing this, and as the reading skills are also advanced, read the end of the story and protested. Apparently she's on level sixteen now... my bad.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Love...
... "keeps no record of wrong" (I Corinthians 13:5)
Part of a beautiful and well known passage, words have never posed such a challenge. How many times have I read this passage and skipped these words?. Have I ever dared to take the words at face value? Could you? All I hear are an awful lot of "buts!" rattling around in my head...
There's been some drama afoot in my world. Through a series of events it has come to light that my beloved husband has been telling some whoppers for awhile. Without going into much detail, let's just say that I found out that my in-laws, whom I had never met and was led to believe hated me and were monsterous, are actually wonderful people and they in turn found out about my existence along with the fact that their son is married. Yep, you read it right... married.... for almost two years.
*Sigh* Anyone feel like curling up with me and ignoring everyone for awhile? *Sigh* Well since that isn't going to work, how about some yelling, crying, etc. Unfortunately, that's not working for me either. My heart keeps screaming out for me to look to Someone above myself. But I've been protesting. Why? I'm not sure.
Well, ok. Maybe I kinda have an idea. It's this verse above. 'Cause dang it! I want to be mad, and stomp my feet, and throw a fit, and pout, and, and, and... that verse just isn't playing along with my pity party. Here's how my recent conversation with God went:
"I'm mad"
"Ok"
"I want to throw a big fit."
"Do you love him?"
"Well yes, but I deserve to get back at him!"
"Really? Why's that?"
"Because he hurt me."
"But you said you love him."
"And?" (Yes, there was some attitude from me during this conversation. I think He just ignored it.)
"Love is patient, love is kind."
"I know, I know... but I just want to be upset right now."
"Why?"
"Because he deserves to have me be mad at him."
"It keeps no record of wrong. You said you love him, do you really?" (Maybe He didn't really ignore my attitude, but rather knew it would bite me later.)
Ouch... where the heck do I go from there?
*Sigh* So now I fight this battle within me, 'cause let's face it... I'm a woman and I'm really good at remembering those wrongs and keeping a record of them. My close friends and family that know about the drama mentioned above keep talking about how I've "handled it so well" and such and such. Um... not so much.
Do I love him? Yes. Do I love him enough to prove it by taking those words above at face value? Ugh... Do I have the ability to die to self and cherish true love between us? Why is this so stinkin' hard?
"But the greatest of these is love."
And in pursuit of the greatest... all I can do is try so let the internal chants begin... "Let it go, let it go. Let love be the greatest."
~Andrea
Part of a beautiful and well known passage, words have never posed such a challenge. How many times have I read this passage and skipped these words?. Have I ever dared to take the words at face value? Could you? All I hear are an awful lot of "buts!" rattling around in my head...
There's been some drama afoot in my world. Through a series of events it has come to light that my beloved husband has been telling some whoppers for awhile. Without going into much detail, let's just say that I found out that my in-laws, whom I had never met and was led to believe hated me and were monsterous, are actually wonderful people and they in turn found out about my existence along with the fact that their son is married. Yep, you read it right... married.... for almost two years.
*Sigh* Anyone feel like curling up with me and ignoring everyone for awhile? *Sigh* Well since that isn't going to work, how about some yelling, crying, etc. Unfortunately, that's not working for me either. My heart keeps screaming out for me to look to Someone above myself. But I've been protesting. Why? I'm not sure.
Well, ok. Maybe I kinda have an idea. It's this verse above. 'Cause dang it! I want to be mad, and stomp my feet, and throw a fit, and pout, and, and, and... that verse just isn't playing along with my pity party. Here's how my recent conversation with God went:
"I'm mad"
"Ok"
"I want to throw a big fit."
"Do you love him?"
"Well yes, but I deserve to get back at him!"
"Really? Why's that?"
"Because he hurt me."
"But you said you love him."
"And?" (Yes, there was some attitude from me during this conversation. I think He just ignored it.)
"Love is patient, love is kind."
"I know, I know... but I just want to be upset right now."
"Why?"
"Because he deserves to have me be mad at him."
"It keeps no record of wrong. You said you love him, do you really?" (Maybe He didn't really ignore my attitude, but rather knew it would bite me later.)
Ouch... where the heck do I go from there?
*Sigh* So now I fight this battle within me, 'cause let's face it... I'm a woman and I'm really good at remembering those wrongs and keeping a record of them. My close friends and family that know about the drama mentioned above keep talking about how I've "handled it so well" and such and such. Um... not so much.
Do I love him? Yes. Do I love him enough to prove it by taking those words above at face value? Ugh... Do I have the ability to die to self and cherish true love between us? Why is this so stinkin' hard?
"But the greatest of these is love."
And in pursuit of the greatest... all I can do is try so let the internal chants begin... "Let it go, let it go. Let love be the greatest."
~Andrea
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Whew!!!
Whew! It's been a crazy couple of weeks!Let's see if I can remember what's been going on...
First, the diet. Don't worry, I didn't give up! I made it to thirty days. Final results of the first round?!?! 27 pounds and 21 inches GONE! Whoo hoo!!! You have to wait six weeks in between rounds so your body doesn't become immune to the HcG. I'm pretty stoked to start round two at the end of May. On the other hand though, I am pretty excited to eat some different foods for awhile too. I'd kinda had enough of chicken, fish, fruits and vegetables.
Second, we had a minor catastrophe at our house two weeks ago. My darling husband forgot to pay attention when he was backing his Tahoe out of our garage and took out the front of my car. Grrr!!! I was a little more than upset. It caused about $1800 worth of damages and my poor little car had to get towed to the body shop because it was undrivable. Yes... it was really that bad. I am so grateful that we have insurance though! We only have to cough up $500 for the deductible. It's a decent amount of money, but easy for us to pull out of savings. The insurance company is paying the rest of the damages, paid for the tow truck and also paid for a rental car for the entire time my car is in the shop.
Perhaps this is silly, but the little accident really affected me and for totally selfish reasons. My little car, a 2006 shiny red Volvo S40, is one of my babies. I have always, always wanted to drive a Volvo. Kinda weird for a little kid, huh? So,its a dream fulfillment. It also symbolized a significant time in my life. I've talked a little bit about my ex-husband and divorce in some past posts. One of the hardest parts of the divorce was the financial world. When everything happened, the financial world of the marriage fell on my shoulders alone, with only half the income. As you can imagine, it killed, like super-killed, my credit. I worked at those bills and situation for two years. I had to put every extra penny towards bills and had to work with a company that fixes credit scores before I finally pulled myself out of the hole. The Volvo was the first major purchase, that relied on my credit score, that I was able to make after the divorce. I still remember that day... I was shocked beyond belief when they said I was approved for financing and without them having to pull any strings. All that said... that car means a lot to me and it, this feels silly but..., emotionally wounded me to have him run into it. Oh silly me... the things I worry about and care about. I don't really have a conclusion for this section yet, I guess I haven't quite figured it out yet!
Well... there were some other things that happened in the past few weeks but it's getting late and I've been trying to get up at 4:30 am to work out before going to work. Time for bed!
~Andrea
First, the diet. Don't worry, I didn't give up! I made it to thirty days. Final results of the first round?!?! 27 pounds and 21 inches GONE! Whoo hoo!!! You have to wait six weeks in between rounds so your body doesn't become immune to the HcG. I'm pretty stoked to start round two at the end of May. On the other hand though, I am pretty excited to eat some different foods for awhile too. I'd kinda had enough of chicken, fish, fruits and vegetables.
Second, we had a minor catastrophe at our house two weeks ago. My darling husband forgot to pay attention when he was backing his Tahoe out of our garage and took out the front of my car. Grrr!!! I was a little more than upset. It caused about $1800 worth of damages and my poor little car had to get towed to the body shop because it was undrivable. Yes... it was really that bad. I am so grateful that we have insurance though! We only have to cough up $500 for the deductible. It's a decent amount of money, but easy for us to pull out of savings. The insurance company is paying the rest of the damages, paid for the tow truck and also paid for a rental car for the entire time my car is in the shop.
Perhaps this is silly, but the little accident really affected me and for totally selfish reasons. My little car, a 2006 shiny red Volvo S40, is one of my babies. I have always, always wanted to drive a Volvo. Kinda weird for a little kid, huh? So,its a dream fulfillment. It also symbolized a significant time in my life. I've talked a little bit about my ex-husband and divorce in some past posts. One of the hardest parts of the divorce was the financial world. When everything happened, the financial world of the marriage fell on my shoulders alone, with only half the income. As you can imagine, it killed, like super-killed, my credit. I worked at those bills and situation for two years. I had to put every extra penny towards bills and had to work with a company that fixes credit scores before I finally pulled myself out of the hole. The Volvo was the first major purchase, that relied on my credit score, that I was able to make after the divorce. I still remember that day... I was shocked beyond belief when they said I was approved for financing and without them having to pull any strings. All that said... that car means a lot to me and it, this feels silly but..., emotionally wounded me to have him run into it. Oh silly me... the things I worry about and care about. I don't really have a conclusion for this section yet, I guess I haven't quite figured it out yet!
Well... there were some other things that happened in the past few weeks but it's getting late and I've been trying to get up at 4:30 am to work out before going to work. Time for bed!
~Andrea
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