Musings

 

“Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass. It’s about learning to dance in the rain.”

This little quote was waiting for me in my inbox when I got to work this morning. I’m thinking it was slightly miraculous that I noticed it at all. It was at the bottom of a very, very long e-mail filled with pictures of dogs. Not.my.favorite.email.to.get.in.my.work.inbox, like at all, like completely and totally find annoying.  Getting past that(!), the quote has stuck with me all day.

I have a fantastic job. I work as a paralegal at a national law firm. Instead of the typical things you would think of a paralegal doing, I do title work. Want to know who has owned that land your house in on since the beginning of time? I can help you with that! Sometimes I think it would be cool to go to court and other such fancy schmancy things that other paralegals do but it wasn’t meant to be. The job I have offers me a lot of flexibility with my schedule, hello to working from home when I need to, an decent amount of respect and all the over-time I could possibly want, or maybe, more likely, my bank account wants. So what’s the problem? Uh…. me. Me and my most unbecoming gripey, whiney attitude that I’ve had of late. Point blank, I don’t want to work. I thought I had this banked but as life tends to do, it threw me a pretty crazy curve ball, and it’s not in the cards right now. I haven’t figured out how to dance in the rain of the work storm just yet. I think I’m satisfied with just analyzing it for now. I did figure out a few other ways to dance today though…

Money. Oy… we got troubles ‘round here. That story can be for another day. The dancing comes from my love affair with coffee. I love me some coffee. Not normal hot drippitty-drip coffee mind you. I’m talkin’ the largest iced, I just drank how many calories (!!!), deliciousness coffee. I know you know the kind I’m talkin’ about. It’s the four dollars a gulp kind of coffee. The, holy crap I spent thirty bucks on coffee this week, coffee. Ok… pretty sure you’ve got the point. Anywho’s… I was perusing around on the Pioneer Woman’s blog a few weeks back and came across a recipe for iced coffee. (thepioneerwoman.com/cooking/2011/06/perfect-iced-coffee/) (Hopefully I got that right and sorry if I didn’t give credit correctly. Had a blog for awhile but still have no idea how to use it!)  Um… you must try this. No really, really must try it. I haven’t been in a coffee shop in three weeks. My husband almost fell over when I told him that. I find it to be most delicious with plenty of sugar-free vanilla syrup, half-and-half and a couple good sized teaspoons (they might be more equivalent to tablespoon size, but I'm in denial about it right now) of sweetened condensed milk. Go, go right now, get the ingredients you don’t have, and make yourself some coffee concentrate. You will dance in the rain of your coffee money woes. I promise.

As a side note, I took some pictures of my coffee fun tonight but can’t post them. I can’t post them because I have no stinkin’ idea where the cord for my camera is. I have no idea where that cord is because my hubs moved it. I suppose since he moved it on account of his diligent cleaning of his desk that I’ve been begging him to tackle for some time, I really can’t complain, at least not too much. Besides, the Pioneer Woman takes much prettier pictures than I do.

I danced in the rain of life today by making cupcakes as well. I was coerced, ahem, I mean, asked to make cupcakes for a co-worker's baby shower luncheon on Friday. I love making cupcakes. They’re perdy and yummy and stress killing. I have the funniest mental picture ever right now, cupcakes with monster faces… the stress killing monster face cupcakes. Oy… the things that dance in my head. Tonight’s variety were of delicious chocolate cake, chocolate buttercream and bittersweet ganache. Oh me oh my…. so much for my work out this morning! I took pictures of the cupcakes too, but for stated reasons… perhaps I’ll post ‘em tomorrow. Perhaps also the chocolate cake recipe I use. I stole it from my cousin and you wouldn’t believe the things sour cream and pudding mix can do for a boxed cake mix!

This is how I danced today… how do you dance in the middle of the storms of your life?

Good Night!

~Andrea

It's all a matter of perspective...

I find my heart so heavy as I write this...

I've written several times about the infertility issues James and I have faced over the past three years and the emotional toll it takes. I've had my eyes open a bit today and have realize that a different perspective changes alot.

My brother and sister-in-law are pregnant with their first. They are due around the end of November. Mary had her first ultra sound during her routine fourth month check-up. Her doctor's office called back later that afternoon, requesting that she see a specialist for an different, more sophisticated ultra sound. All the more information they would give her was that she didn't have enough amniotic fluid and there seemed to be some debris by her cervix. Alex and Mary made the trip to Denver for the ultra sound and were told that in addition to not having enough amniotic fluid, Mary's placenta was deteriorating. The doctor told them to keep their chins up, for Mary to drink a gallon of water and take it easy and come back in three weeks.

Three weeks and the next appointment arrived today. My heart breaks for them. The amniotic fluid problem is much much worse. Their beautiful baby is dying. Baby J's kidneys are failing and has fluid around his/her heart. Mary is about 24 weeks at this point.

As much as my issues have been so incredibly painful, my perspective has changed and I find myself selfishly grateful. While the pain of being barren month after month can be unbearable, I pray I will never ever experience the unimaginable pain of carrying a child that I know is dying and I can't save. I cannot imagine sitting and waiting for my baby to finish dying, inside of me, and then have to deliver it. To lose a child would be unbearable but to not be able to hold my child and comfort her while she died... I have no words for that. I have no words for this and how heavy my heat is for them.

Everything is a matter of perspective. My pain may be great, but someone else's could always be far, far greater.

Please keep my brother, sister-in-law and unborn baby in your prayers.

~Andrea

An Internal Battle

"When peace like a river, attendeth my way..."

The baby battle has raged in our home since before we were even married. James has wanted a baby as soon as possible for as long as I can remember. When we met, I'd made up my mind, through the help of spending three plus years as a single mom, that I had all the munchkins I needed or wanted. I was done.

"When sorrows like sea billows roll..."

Katie is my miracle baby. I was diagnosed with PCOS when I was 15 and told I would most likely have a very difficult time getting pregnant. I was also on birth control when she was conceived. Having gotten pregnant against all odds, and honestly my wishes, it was a bit shocking to me when three months of fertility treatment got me no where when I did want to get pregnant. Well, not completely no where. It got me fatter, moodier, depressed, removed... etc.

"Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say..."

For the reasons mentioned above, I have developed a severe aversion to the normally prescribed hormone pills for both PCOS and infertility. As such, I've started searching for homeopathic remedies. I came across one a few years ago that is good, Aunt Flow visited after one month of taking the pills, but the 18 pills a day gets old really fast. Did I mention how much I hate taking pills? I found a different regiment a few months ago, coming from Europe. I started taking the first herb/drug about two months ago. As some history, I've been in complete amenorrhea, total lack of a menstrual cycle, for over a year. Back to the story, the herb/drug is amazing and my husband can totally testify to this! My hormones had gotten so out of whack before that I was having a hard time control my temper and having some serious impulse problems. No more! As added benefit, I recently found some spotting and my ovaries have been kicking my rear, which, in my opinion, is fantastic!

"It is well, it is well with my soul..."

So why the internal battle? I am absolutely, completely and totally terrified at the thought of having more children. I've reached the point to where I want to have another child. Beyond that... I'm... completely lost. I've come up with every excuse in the book to push dealing with this away. "I have to finish school", "I have to get a better job", "We need to own a house."... on and on. I'm out of excuses. I'm terrified to deal with the pains of overcoming infertility. I'm terrified of being pregnant again. I'm terrified of what might happen with my job and how we will work out schedules with work. And on, and on, and on.

"It is well, it is well with my soul..."

I have a confession. It doesn't feel very well with my soul. Do I give up and let what happens, happen? Do I stand my ground and refuse to deal with it? Or... do I give in, look up, trust and let all be well with my soul?

~Andrea

Slow but Steady Progress

Well... I've been slacking a bit in the faithful posting world but it is what it is! In between work, more work, family life and few other things, we have managed to make somme progress in the home improvement department! We decided to do one room at a time, starting with the downstairs family room. We're still working in there but getting close to being done!

Here's a look at it from a few different angles a month ago:



So bare here!



And here!



And this is what it looks like now:





My father-in-law came up a few weekends ago and helped the hubs put together the sofa table. So much cheaper than purchasing one! I found the lamps at Habitat ReStore before we moved for a whopping three dollars a piece. They started out with the metal parts being a lovely brass color. Love me some brass! Nothing that a can of silver spray paint can't fix! I have plans to put more decorative items on the table but haven't made it to Hobby Lobby just yet...

The hubs and I actually made the bench together. I have to say I'm pretty darn proud of us! We did it with very minimal squabbling and it doesn't look too bad. The baskets are the perfect catch all for shoes, gloves, scarfs and whatever else gets dropped in them. I hate having clutter, or much of anything, lying around but its hard to get the hubs and the munchkin to put everything away. Baskets that encourage dumping seem to be the solution around here! The shelf was a cheap pick-up at JoAnn's. I spray painted it black and then covered the black with a crackle coat. It looks ok but I'm not sure I'll use the crackle stuff again, not super impressed with it. The mirrors I bought somewhere around ten years ago in the Wal-Mart clearance section. They started out an odd silverish nickle color that the hubs truly detested. Nothing that a can of cream spray paint can't fix! Add a few specks of green here and there a voila! I still want to add a cushion and some big pillows to the top of the bench but a quick emergency trip to New York sorta took the extra cash for the month... bummer!

Finally... I bought a new sign for the front door.



I'm so ready for spring!

~Andrea

Inspiration!

I have been inspired. I am in love and super excited to start sharing with you. What is this new found inspiration you ask? DIY Projects. I.am.in.love. I think this blog might start shifting in such direction so I hope you enjoy the ride!

My first project? Well... we just moved into a new house. A larger house, which is quite lovely in that I'm not running into walls constantly anymore but not so lovely in that we're a a little short on furniture. Although I've been drooling over the Ethan Allen catalog lately... I'm thinking the New Country Media Center would look b.e.a..utiful in my loft... I just can't quite bring myself to pay $5,000+ for an entertainment center. On to the new inspiration... ReStore by Habitat for Humanity and the GoodWill Store. I.love.them. They are my newest bestties.

Listen to me get carried away... entertainment centers. Something nice and pretty, dark wood with silver knobs. Yes, yes... this is what I'm dreaming of! Price... well... how about... $15. Um yeah.. I think that sounds fantastic. Not possible you say... let's see about that...

Here's what I bought:





Oh yes. I bought this lovely little dresser for $15. Wait, wait you say... I thought we were talking about entertainment centers. We are! Keep watching...





First we took all the drawers out. Then I decided it would work a little better and look more like it was intended to be an entertainment center if we took the middle shelf out, so we did just that!. We broke the lower drawers apart and used the wood to fill in the shelves. Some stripping, some sanding, some more stripping, some more sanding... yeah, yeah, you get the point: we put in some elbow grease time! Then for the stain...





Oh my, oh my... I.am.in.love. LOVE!!! Here's what it looks like with the pretty little silver knobs and sitting pretty in my new family room:





Like I said... love. The hubs and I were looking at a similar one at a local discount furniture store. They only wanted $600 for it. HA! I say, ha! I got mine for $60. Oh yes... you know you can picture my huge grin right about now.

Stay tuned... I have a whole house to play with and SO many ideas drifting around that I can't wait to get started! Next up? I believe a tour of the downstairs is in order!

~Andrea

A Story about the Munchkin...

It's time for a story about the munchkin in my life. Let me preface the story with this, I'm so proud of her.

Last week was parent teacher conference time at the school she attends. I went expecting the usual report and wasn't disappointed. Here is one part of where my pride in her is coming from...

Her teacher and I discussed her reading, writing and spelling skills. Finally we arrived at the subject of her math skills. She started the conversation by stating that my munchkin is being pulled out of half of the class's math time to go to a special class. She then asked me if I had gotten a chance to see the charts on the walls outside the 1st grade classroom. Having been a little on the verge of being late to my 7pm conference with her, I totally failed to even notice them, much less look at them. She told me that she needed to explain something that was going on in the computer lab for me to be able to understand the Munch's current math skills. She explained to me that the kids have been playing a math game during computer lab since the beginning of the year. Each level of the game consists of 30 to 40 math problems. The kids have to answer a certain number of them correctly in a set amount of time to pass each level. There are 10 levels of addition, 10 of subtraction and so on. She tells me that half of her class is still working on passing level one. The other half, minus two boys and my munchkin, are working on level two. The two boys are working on level four. She pauses a bit, I'm guessing for effect... which works 'cause I was totally holding my breath at that point. She looks me in the eyes and proceeds to say, "And your daughter... is currently working on level 14."

I'm a beaming Mommy... enough said.

P.S. The munchkin just caught me writing this, and as the reading skills are also advanced, read the end of the story and protested. Apparently she's on level sixteen now... my bad.

Love...

... "keeps no record of wrong" (I Corinthians 13:5)

Part of a beautiful and well known passage, words have never posed such a challenge. How many times have I read this passage and skipped these words?. Have I ever dared to take the words at face value? Could you? All I hear are an awful lot of "buts!" rattling around in my head...

There's been some drama afoot in my world. Through a series of events it has come to light that my beloved husband has been telling some whoppers for awhile. Without going into much detail, let's just say that I found out that my in-laws, whom I had never met and was led to believe hated me and were monsterous, are actually wonderful people and they in turn found out about my existence along with the fact that their son is married. Yep, you read it right... married.... for almost two years.

*Sigh* Anyone feel like curling up with me and ignoring everyone for awhile? *Sigh* Well since that isn't going to work, how about some yelling, crying, etc. Unfortunately, that's not working for me either. My heart keeps screaming out for me to look to Someone above myself. But I've been protesting. Why? I'm not sure.

Well, ok. Maybe I kinda have an idea. It's this verse above. 'Cause dang it! I want to be mad, and stomp my feet, and throw a fit, and pout, and, and, and... that verse just isn't playing along with my pity party. Here's how my recent conversation with God went:

"I'm mad"
"Ok"
"I want to throw a big fit."
"Do you love him?"
"Well yes, but I deserve to get back at him!"
"Really? Why's that?"
"Because he hurt me."
"But you said you love him."
"And?" (Yes, there was some attitude from me during this conversation. I think He just ignored it.)
"Love is patient, love is kind."
"I know, I know... but I just want to be upset right now."
"Why?"
"Because he deserves to have me be mad at him."
"It keeps no record of wrong. You said you love him, do you really?" (Maybe He didn't really ignore my attitude, but rather knew it would bite me later.)
Ouch... where the heck do I go from there?

*Sigh* So now I fight this battle within me, 'cause let's face it... I'm a woman and I'm really good at remembering those wrongs and keeping a record of them. My close friends and family that know about the drama mentioned above keep talking about how I've "handled it so well" and such and such. Um... not so much.

Do I love him? Yes. Do I love him enough to prove it by taking those words above at face value? Ugh... Do I have the ability to die to self and cherish true love between us? Why is this so stinkin' hard?

"But the greatest of these is love."

And in pursuit of the greatest... all I can do is try so let the internal chants begin... "Let it go, let it go. Let love be the greatest."

~Andrea