So first... I think my lack of writing much on this blog is because I feel guilty. I tend to be negative when I write here. I struggle with feeling that I don't deserve to write my troubles down for anyone and everyone to read. I gotta get over this! I tend to be rather quiet and I'm pretty selective about who I talk to about personal issues. The result of this is that I don't express the things I desperately need to. They build up and I release them on my poor unsuspecting and very male husband. So, I suppose what I'm saying, and perhaps more to myself than anyone else, is that this is my spot to be honest about how I feel and if you don't like it... well, that's ok 'cause you don't have to read. ;)
Now to what's on my heart. James has spent the past 4 weeks interviewing for a fabulous job in Denver. When I say fabulous... I mean it! We were talking six figures, fantastic benefits and finally getting the opportunity to work for a company that truly treats its' employees well. James was their top pick from the beginning. As this is not the first time James has interviewed for a great job, I tried SO hard to not get my hopes up and to not dream and visualize how much better this could make our lives. *Sigh* It didn't happen... again. The company was split 85% men to 15% women. James interviewed with two women for the two open positions. I'm pretty sure it became a "Battle of the Sexes" of sorts and the man lost.
Despite my efforts to control myself, I'm crushed. And the key word in the previous paragraph is the word "again". I have an incredible desire to lie down on my bed and weep and weep and weep. I'm struggling the most because of my job. It was the one thing I had built up, getting to FINALLY quit my job. Don't get me wrong, I'm ok with needing to work. I'm just not ok with having to keep working my current job. This isn't something that just started either. It's been building and building for the past year and a half. It actually got really bad last year around Christmas time. I sunk into an extreme depressed state. I can sense some of those same depressed feelings creeping back in. I don't want to go there again....
As far as the "again" part of that goes, James and I are both struggling with feeling like everything we try to better our lives fails. We tried to get pregnant this past summer.... complete failure. We tried to buy a house this fall... fell through at the last minute. We both keep trying to get better jobs... obviously no luck there either. I'm to the point that I don't feel like trying anymore. This is where I start to get nervous about sinking into a depressed state again. When I say I don't want to try anymore, I'm not just talking about getting a new job, I'm talking about everything. Are we allowed to have "Quitting" parties as adults? Ha ha... I wish!
I don't know what to do but the one thing that keeps me going right now is the song "It is Well". The song came into my head about an hour before the company James was interviewing with called to tell him they weren't hiring him on Wednesday. The words keep repeating in my head...
When peace like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows role;
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
It is well, with my soul.
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
~Andrea
