Husbands.... and history

James and I just celebrated our one year anniversary. Yay for us!

But... I have these lurking and lingering feelings that I don't know what to do with. For those who don't know, this is marriage #2 for me. The first one ended the day before the first anniversary. As you can imagine, I was a little apprehensive about passing the one year mark. The day came and went uneventfully... the fight that I had felt lurking behind the corner came a few days later. It was so dumb too. You know that fight you get into because of communication issues? Yeah, it was that one. We let it get so out of hand though and it really scared me. I'm not sure if I was scared because of how upset we were with each other or because of history. As a side note, we did resolve the fight the next day after agreeing to spend the night in separate beds.

I desperately want to say I'm over the first marriage, the first husband and all the pain that came with it. But little things keep coming back to haunt me.

1. I'm half convinced God intended for me to be single. That communication issue mentioned above. Yeah, I take the blame for that one. I have such a tendency to be independent that I tend to forget to inform my husband of things. He takes that as me not including him in my life. (Not how I've ever meant it, I promise!) I like to be in charge of EVERYTHING, ALL THE TIME. I'm incredibly stubborn. Often times, I'm shocked to realized my dreams of the future are about what I want for myself. When I was mulling over the recent fight before it was resolved, I found myself wondering why I agreed to join lives with someone again. I feel inadequate to handle such a large and sensitive task.

2. Katie has a new found desire to know and understand her origins. I don't fault her for it but I also don't quite know how to handle it. The other day she wanted to know why she couldn't meet her biological father. What am I supposed to tell my five year old? I can't tell her the truth that he raped a 14 year old and now can't be around any minors. So instead I told her that he did a bad thing and the police took him to jail. Of course, she starts pushing and pushing to find out what he did. (Don't worry, I didn't tell her.) Next came her announcement that she doesn't want James to adopt her. This just about killed me and I am ever so grateful she made this announcement when just the two of us were together. After some digging, I found that her real concern is that if James adopts her she will never get to see who her first dad is/was. I reassured her that she had the option of seeking him out when she becomes an adult and told her I had some pictures of him that she could see if she wanted to. Having to go through those pictures satisfied her curiosity for now but it wiped me out emotionally for the evening.

3. Occasionally I run into people who were friends, some I considered very good friends, before the divorce that are no longer friends. I realize that divorces are hard for everyone but..... I am the type of person who has lots and lots of acquaintances but very few who I consider friends. I don't have a lot of extra time to give to people and relationships, so, nothing personal, but I'm intentionally selective about who I consider a "friend". It is so hard emotionally to cultivate an important relationship and have it slip away for reasons beyond my control. These occasional "run-ins" end up feeling so awkward, I'm sure for both parties. I wish they didn't have to be so. I always find myself wondering what these former friends think of me for my history.

I don't know what to do with these little things so I keep them to myself. This is not a healthy idea as I then have a tendency to dwell on them. I want to move on emotionally and mentally in m life. I don't want my history to taint my present and my future. I want the ability to not wonder what someone who has little bearing on my life thinks of me. Father above, grant me wisdom and peace....

Ugh, I guess this was a bearing of the soul sort of posting. To end on a more positive note, I turned all my paperwork into the school yesterday for graduation! May 2010 will mark the completion of my paralegal degree and I'm feeling mighty proud of myself for accomplishing (almost!) this goal!

~Andrea