I'm a hoping and a prayin' that some changes are coming my family's way. James has a job interview coming up this next week. It's for an accounting job. The pros are that it pays very well and James already said if he gets the job, I can quit my job the same day he gets the new one. For those who don't know, I HATE my job. Like beyond belief, absolutely completely and totally hate my job and being able to quit would be a dream come true. The cons are that the job is down in south Denver. I suppose moving won't be all that bad but my parents are going to have a hard time. Katie has become my dad's support rock since he got sick two and half years ago. We'll only be about an hour drive away but I'm still worried about him. He's getting used to new medicine again. He was having a hard time doing much of anything this morning when we first got to my parents' house. He seemed to get better after we ate but still... I miss my dad the way he used to be sometimes and today was one of those days. I don't miss him being angry all the time but I do miss him being able to focus on a conversation and understand what we are talking about. It's hard to watch him be on the sidelines of almost all our family conversations. I will always love you and be there for you, Dad, but I miss the past too.
I'll write more about the possible changes in our lives later.... I guess I had other things on my heart tonight.
~Andrea
Friday, December 25, 2009
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Husbands.... and history
James and I just celebrated our one year anniversary. Yay for us!
But... I have these lurking and lingering feelings that I don't know what to do with. For those who don't know, this is marriage #2 for me. The first one ended the day before the first anniversary. As you can imagine, I was a little apprehensive about passing the one year mark. The day came and went uneventfully... the fight that I had felt lurking behind the corner came a few days later. It was so dumb too. You know that fight you get into because of communication issues? Yeah, it was that one. We let it get so out of hand though and it really scared me. I'm not sure if I was scared because of how upset we were with each other or because of history. As a side note, we did resolve the fight the next day after agreeing to spend the night in separate beds.
I desperately want to say I'm over the first marriage, the first husband and all the pain that came with it. But little things keep coming back to haunt me.
1. I'm half convinced God intended for me to be single. That communication issue mentioned above. Yeah, I take the blame for that one. I have such a tendency to be independent that I tend to forget to inform my husband of things. He takes that as me not including him in my life. (Not how I've ever meant it, I promise!) I like to be in charge of EVERYTHING, ALL THE TIME. I'm incredibly stubborn. Often times, I'm shocked to realized my dreams of the future are about what I want for myself. When I was mulling over the recent fight before it was resolved, I found myself wondering why I agreed to join lives with someone again. I feel inadequate to handle such a large and sensitive task.
2. Katie has a new found desire to know and understand her origins. I don't fault her for it but I also don't quite know how to handle it. The other day she wanted to know why she couldn't meet her biological father. What am I supposed to tell my five year old? I can't tell her the truth that he raped a 14 year old and now can't be around any minors. So instead I told her that he did a bad thing and the police took him to jail. Of course, she starts pushing and pushing to find out what he did. (Don't worry, I didn't tell her.) Next came her announcement that she doesn't want James to adopt her. This just about killed me and I am ever so grateful she made this announcement when just the two of us were together. After some digging, I found that her real concern is that if James adopts her she will never get to see who her first dad is/was. I reassured her that she had the option of seeking him out when she becomes an adult and told her I had some pictures of him that she could see if she wanted to. Having to go through those pictures satisfied her curiosity for now but it wiped me out emotionally for the evening.
3. Occasionally I run into people who were friends, some I considered very good friends, before the divorce that are no longer friends. I realize that divorces are hard for everyone but..... I am the type of person who has lots and lots of acquaintances but very few who I consider friends. I don't have a lot of extra time to give to people and relationships, so, nothing personal, but I'm intentionally selective about who I consider a "friend". It is so hard emotionally to cultivate an important relationship and have it slip away for reasons beyond my control. These occasional "run-ins" end up feeling so awkward, I'm sure for both parties. I wish they didn't have to be so. I always find myself wondering what these former friends think of me for my history.
I don't know what to do with these little things so I keep them to myself. This is not a healthy idea as I then have a tendency to dwell on them. I want to move on emotionally and mentally in m life. I don't want my history to taint my present and my future. I want the ability to not wonder what someone who has little bearing on my life thinks of me. Father above, grant me wisdom and peace....
Ugh, I guess this was a bearing of the soul sort of posting. To end on a more positive note, I turned all my paperwork into the school yesterday for graduation! May 2010 will mark the completion of my paralegal degree and I'm feeling mighty proud of myself for accomplishing (almost!) this goal!
~Andrea
But... I have these lurking and lingering feelings that I don't know what to do with. For those who don't know, this is marriage #2 for me. The first one ended the day before the first anniversary. As you can imagine, I was a little apprehensive about passing the one year mark. The day came and went uneventfully... the fight that I had felt lurking behind the corner came a few days later. It was so dumb too. You know that fight you get into because of communication issues? Yeah, it was that one. We let it get so out of hand though and it really scared me. I'm not sure if I was scared because of how upset we were with each other or because of history. As a side note, we did resolve the fight the next day after agreeing to spend the night in separate beds.
I desperately want to say I'm over the first marriage, the first husband and all the pain that came with it. But little things keep coming back to haunt me.
1. I'm half convinced God intended for me to be single. That communication issue mentioned above. Yeah, I take the blame for that one. I have such a tendency to be independent that I tend to forget to inform my husband of things. He takes that as me not including him in my life. (Not how I've ever meant it, I promise!) I like to be in charge of EVERYTHING, ALL THE TIME. I'm incredibly stubborn. Often times, I'm shocked to realized my dreams of the future are about what I want for myself. When I was mulling over the recent fight before it was resolved, I found myself wondering why I agreed to join lives with someone again. I feel inadequate to handle such a large and sensitive task.
2. Katie has a new found desire to know and understand her origins. I don't fault her for it but I also don't quite know how to handle it. The other day she wanted to know why she couldn't meet her biological father. What am I supposed to tell my five year old? I can't tell her the truth that he raped a 14 year old and now can't be around any minors. So instead I told her that he did a bad thing and the police took him to jail. Of course, she starts pushing and pushing to find out what he did. (Don't worry, I didn't tell her.) Next came her announcement that she doesn't want James to adopt her. This just about killed me and I am ever so grateful she made this announcement when just the two of us were together. After some digging, I found that her real concern is that if James adopts her she will never get to see who her first dad is/was. I reassured her that she had the option of seeking him out when she becomes an adult and told her I had some pictures of him that she could see if she wanted to. Having to go through those pictures satisfied her curiosity for now but it wiped me out emotionally for the evening.
3. Occasionally I run into people who were friends, some I considered very good friends, before the divorce that are no longer friends. I realize that divorces are hard for everyone but..... I am the type of person who has lots and lots of acquaintances but very few who I consider friends. I don't have a lot of extra time to give to people and relationships, so, nothing personal, but I'm intentionally selective about who I consider a "friend". It is so hard emotionally to cultivate an important relationship and have it slip away for reasons beyond my control. These occasional "run-ins" end up feeling so awkward, I'm sure for both parties. I wish they didn't have to be so. I always find myself wondering what these former friends think of me for my history.
I don't know what to do with these little things so I keep them to myself. This is not a healthy idea as I then have a tendency to dwell on them. I want to move on emotionally and mentally in m life. I don't want my history to taint my present and my future. I want the ability to not wonder what someone who has little bearing on my life thinks of me. Father above, grant me wisdom and peace....
Ugh, I guess this was a bearing of the soul sort of posting. To end on a more positive note, I turned all my paperwork into the school yesterday for graduation! May 2010 will mark the completion of my paralegal degree and I'm feeling mighty proud of myself for accomplishing (almost!) this goal!
~Andrea
Friday, November 13, 2009
It's been awhile!
I just came to the realization that it's been since July that I've posted anything here! Whoops on my part!
So here's where the story has gone since the last post...
The baby thing...
We unfortunately didn't have any success with trying to get pregnant. I was on fertility drugs for three months. These were the drugs that had very high success rates and should have fixed my problem without any trouble. Hmm.... don't need to say much more regarding what I think of those! My doctor told me after the third failed attempt, that she had done all she could for me and that I needed to see their fertility specialist if I wanted to continue. I had a hard time not thinking about how much more money that would cost. James and I talked about it a lot and decided maybe it wasn't the right time and stop the fertility treatments.
The house thing...
Well, we did try to buy a house. We were under contract for a 5 bedroom, 2 bath, 2000 sq. ft house on 1/3 of an acre in Windsor for over 6 weeks. Unfortunately the house was a short sale. October 30th marked the end of the 30 business days the seller's lender had to finish their end of the short sale and also, at that time, the last day we could completely be under contract and still get the $8,000 tax credit. October 30th came and went with the seller only managing to stop communicating with us. James and I decided that we both felt if we had to push and shove the deal through, it wasn't meant to be. We terminated our contract. Today, November 13th, we finally heard back that the seller was ready to go through with everything. Too bad for them we decided to take an anniversary vacation earlier this week with a portion of the money we had saved for the down payment! We both walked away from the deal with a peace that we were doing the right thing, even after today's phone call.
So what does this all mean for now?
Well to answer that question you have to first understand my personality better. I have an addiction to immediate gratification. Funny right? Too bad I'm serious! I am constantly busy, to the point that I drive my poor husband nuts. He gets really upset when I have to officially schedule in time for him. I can understand why.... So, even when I'm constantly busy, I still have to be involved in at least one project that will have immediate, or rapid, results. For example, going to school is going to get me where I want to be career wise but it doesn't even come close to counted towards the immediate gratification need. When I don't have any, I tend to start sinking into a depressed state. I hate being in that state, hate, hate, hate, hate it. It kills me and it kills my immediate family. So currently, I'm struggling. With nothing working out the "right" way, I feel like I and my life are sinking into a black hole. If I can keep my mind on other things, I'm ok. When I don't have anything else to dwell on.... I'm in trouble.
I think it's time to lift my eyes up and see what He has in mind, 'cause my plans aren't working out so well.
~Andrea
So here's where the story has gone since the last post...
The baby thing...
We unfortunately didn't have any success with trying to get pregnant. I was on fertility drugs for three months. These were the drugs that had very high success rates and should have fixed my problem without any trouble. Hmm.... don't need to say much more regarding what I think of those! My doctor told me after the third failed attempt, that she had done all she could for me and that I needed to see their fertility specialist if I wanted to continue. I had a hard time not thinking about how much more money that would cost. James and I talked about it a lot and decided maybe it wasn't the right time and stop the fertility treatments.
The house thing...
Well, we did try to buy a house. We were under contract for a 5 bedroom, 2 bath, 2000 sq. ft house on 1/3 of an acre in Windsor for over 6 weeks. Unfortunately the house was a short sale. October 30th marked the end of the 30 business days the seller's lender had to finish their end of the short sale and also, at that time, the last day we could completely be under contract and still get the $8,000 tax credit. October 30th came and went with the seller only managing to stop communicating with us. James and I decided that we both felt if we had to push and shove the deal through, it wasn't meant to be. We terminated our contract. Today, November 13th, we finally heard back that the seller was ready to go through with everything. Too bad for them we decided to take an anniversary vacation earlier this week with a portion of the money we had saved for the down payment! We both walked away from the deal with a peace that we were doing the right thing, even after today's phone call.
So what does this all mean for now?
Well to answer that question you have to first understand my personality better. I have an addiction to immediate gratification. Funny right? Too bad I'm serious! I am constantly busy, to the point that I drive my poor husband nuts. He gets really upset when I have to officially schedule in time for him. I can understand why.... So, even when I'm constantly busy, I still have to be involved in at least one project that will have immediate, or rapid, results. For example, going to school is going to get me where I want to be career wise but it doesn't even come close to counted towards the immediate gratification need. When I don't have any, I tend to start sinking into a depressed state. I hate being in that state, hate, hate, hate, hate it. It kills me and it kills my immediate family. So currently, I'm struggling. With nothing working out the "right" way, I feel like I and my life are sinking into a black hole. If I can keep my mind on other things, I'm ok. When I don't have anything else to dwell on.... I'm in trouble.
I think it's time to lift my eyes up and see what He has in mind, 'cause my plans aren't working out so well.
~Andrea
Monday, July 20, 2009
Money and a House
So, I really, really, really want to buy a house. The trouble? I spend money like a wild fire. I don't even have anything to show for it most of the time either. James is my complete opposite and that is the reason we have kept our checking accounts separate. Even though he pays most of our household bills, he still finds a way to save money. I love him and evny him for it. I know I drive him crazy even though he never says anything to me about it.
It is time for me to stop spending. Here's my plan... most of my bills are paid automatically through my checking account so we are going to continue to let that happen. However, after all my bills are paid, I've bought groceries and put gas in my car, I have to write James a check for the remainder of the money. Yep, that's right, no more extra money in my account. Trust me, I'd die without a little bit of free money. To compensate for that, I am going to limit myself to $300 in CASH a month. Oh Nelly, that's the part that is going to be hard. I have to budget out what I want to spend my money on again and relearn to tell myself "No". I have to learn that I can't buy absolutely EVERYTHING that I want. It scares me to think what I've already taught my little woman about earning something instead of getting right away.
My motivation for all this is going to have to come from constantly reminding myself that I want to buy a house, and before the year's end. If we buy before the end off 2009, we will get the $8,000 tax credit. I think that is more than we owed total last year! James has awesome credit but mine is still suffering a bit from when I went through my divorce. So in order for all this to work out, we need to pay off about $3500 in my debt to bump up my credit score and save some money for a down-payment. Holy moly do we have our work cut out for us! Actually, holy moly do I have my work cut out for me!
For obvious reasons, my husband has absolutely no faith in me. But if this little plan works, we could have a new house by Christmas and an extra $8,000 a few short months later. My car lease is going to expire next summer. That $8,000 will just about pay off the balance. A new house and a paid off car that I love?!?! I am totally game for that. I think I'm going to have post little sticky notes all over my house, car and wallet to keep myself on track!
~Andrea
It is time for me to stop spending. Here's my plan... most of my bills are paid automatically through my checking account so we are going to continue to let that happen. However, after all my bills are paid, I've bought groceries and put gas in my car, I have to write James a check for the remainder of the money. Yep, that's right, no more extra money in my account. Trust me, I'd die without a little bit of free money. To compensate for that, I am going to limit myself to $300 in CASH a month. Oh Nelly, that's the part that is going to be hard. I have to budget out what I want to spend my money on again and relearn to tell myself "No". I have to learn that I can't buy absolutely EVERYTHING that I want. It scares me to think what I've already taught my little woman about earning something instead of getting right away.
My motivation for all this is going to have to come from constantly reminding myself that I want to buy a house, and before the year's end. If we buy before the end off 2009, we will get the $8,000 tax credit. I think that is more than we owed total last year! James has awesome credit but mine is still suffering a bit from when I went through my divorce. So in order for all this to work out, we need to pay off about $3500 in my debt to bump up my credit score and save some money for a down-payment. Holy moly do we have our work cut out for us! Actually, holy moly do I have my work cut out for me!
For obvious reasons, my husband has absolutely no faith in me. But if this little plan works, we could have a new house by Christmas and an extra $8,000 a few short months later. My car lease is going to expire next summer. That $8,000 will just about pay off the balance. A new house and a paid off car that I love?!?! I am totally game for that. I think I'm going to have post little sticky notes all over my house, car and wallet to keep myself on track!
~Andrea
Saturday, July 18, 2009
The Baby Story so far...
So, there are a few stories I am going to need to tell to support future stories. I suppose I'll start with the pregnancy story.
Starting from the beginning, I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) when I was 15. It means that I have a imbalance of certain sex hormones. This causes my follicles to not develop and rather to build up into little cysts on my ovaries. It is characterized by symptoms such as weight problems, acne, unwanted facial hair and, you guessed it, fertility issues.
So, how does this all relate to now? Well, we want a baby and it doesn't seem to be happening. I am just about to start my second month of fertility drugs. The first month was a complete failure. My doctor has me taking a drug called Clomid to help me ovulate. She warned me that I have a chance of getting pregnant with multiples because the drug generally works so well. Not so much in my world. Not only did it not help me ovulate but I didn't end up growing a lining nor did any of my follicles mature.
I have to confess that from the beginning of the "trying to get pregnant" adventure, my heart hasn't totally been into it. James was the driving force behind it. I went along with it because I see what a fantastic dad he is to Katie and I truly believe that he deserves to be a dad both biologically and to experience it from birth on. I had no idea how incredibly heart-breaking it would be to hear the doctor tell me the drugs didn't work. I was shocked to feel my body break down into sobs when I got to the solace of my bedroom. I've decided that maybe I really do want to have another child but the past is stopping me, scaring me. Perhaps the past is the next story I need to tell. Perhaps I'll be able to to let some things go then....
~Andrea
Starting from the beginning, I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) when I was 15. It means that I have a imbalance of certain sex hormones. This causes my follicles to not develop and rather to build up into little cysts on my ovaries. It is characterized by symptoms such as weight problems, acne, unwanted facial hair and, you guessed it, fertility issues.
So, how does this all relate to now? Well, we want a baby and it doesn't seem to be happening. I am just about to start my second month of fertility drugs. The first month was a complete failure. My doctor has me taking a drug called Clomid to help me ovulate. She warned me that I have a chance of getting pregnant with multiples because the drug generally works so well. Not so much in my world. Not only did it not help me ovulate but I didn't end up growing a lining nor did any of my follicles mature.
I have to confess that from the beginning of the "trying to get pregnant" adventure, my heart hasn't totally been into it. James was the driving force behind it. I went along with it because I see what a fantastic dad he is to Katie and I truly believe that he deserves to be a dad both biologically and to experience it from birth on. I had no idea how incredibly heart-breaking it would be to hear the doctor tell me the drugs didn't work. I was shocked to feel my body break down into sobs when I got to the solace of my bedroom. I've decided that maybe I really do want to have another child but the past is stopping me, scaring me. Perhaps the past is the next story I need to tell. Perhaps I'll be able to to let some things go then....
~Andrea
Friday, July 17, 2009
Life Spices huh?
My husband has always told me that writing sooths my soul. Don't tell him but he's right. I have a few reasons to start this blog. One is to give myself a place to "get it all out". The other reason is a bit more personal. Many know we are trying to have a baby. Many don't know why it is taking so long! It's hard to physically talk about all of that so this is going to be where you can find out whats going on 'cause I'm probably not going to talk about it with you!
I love to cook and I'm getting pretty good at it too. Spices are what make a dish memorable. I think life is that way too. Our experiences, good and bad, are what make our lives memorable. So with that said, welcome to the spices of my life!
~Andrea
I love to cook and I'm getting pretty good at it too. Spices are what make a dish memorable. I think life is that way too. Our experiences, good and bad, are what make our lives memorable. So with that said, welcome to the spices of my life!
~Andrea
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