It’s been almost two months since my dad passed away. I’ve sat in front of my computer so many times since he passed trying to come up with a cohesive post only to walk away without saying anything. So much has happened since then.
My heart aches for my little brother. I’m not sure what happened when my dad passed but my brother snapped. Like went crazy snapped, like took a head long plunge of the cliff of all things rational snapped. I have never seen an angrier, more hatred filled person, e.v.e.r. Unfortunately for whatever reason, I am the target of the anger and hatred. I’ve tried yelling back and I’ve tried apologizing for everything I can think of all to no avail. I’ve been told he never wants to speak to me again and am never to have any contact with his family again. I can’t even begin to explain how much my heart is breaking over this gapping wound in my family. I’m baffled by the transpiring and timing of it as well. Family was huge to my dad. Every holiday, every birthday, every anniversary was family time and my dad made sure he found a time when everyone could come together to celebrate each special or not-so-special occasion. Dad would be beyond distraught to see what we’ve become.
About a month before my dad passed, a good friend of my mom’s gave her a book called Jesus Calling. It’s a daily devotional book. My dad’s faith strengthened tenfold shortly before he passed. He would have my mom read each daily devotion to him several times throughout the day. My mom has continued reading it faithfully since his passing. She has also purchased a copy of the book for each of her kids and grandkids. I’m not going to lie, I’ve taken one peek into it. It’s the gut-wrenching, hit you where it counts, Word of God kind of book. I’m terrified of it. Yep, terrified. Why? Because, dang it, I’m kinda ticked off right now. I’m ticked off at my brother for what he’s doing, I’m ticked off at my mom and sister for continuing to maintain whatever semblance of a relationship with him that they can and most of all, I’m really ticked off at God for taking my dad. I’ve always felt that we are all here for a specific purpose and when we’ve fulfilled our purpose, it’s time for us to go home. This applies to my dad as well. So then, why so ticked off? Because the timing wasn’t right for me. I’m (obviously!) still processing this but it feels good to put something down concretely about how I feel. My mom keeps encouraging me to read the book I mentioned above. She’s talked a lot about the strong theme in the book that encourages us to give our problems completed to God. I think I’m still cradling mine in my cupped hands, whimpering and guarding it, kinda like that crazy ugly guy from the Lord of the Rings that refers to the ring as “My Precious”. (Ugh… not so impressed with myself after puttin’ that one on paper!)
So why title this post “The Joy of the Heart”? Because there’s something else going on at our house right now. I’ve written before about our inability to get pregnant and the sorrow this has caused us. What if that was the plan all along? What if I needed to have my heart open for something else? … hmmm … Meet Max, sorry no picture yet, the little man that is currently filling our spare bedroom and more importantly filling our hearts with joy. He’s about one and a half and is the sweetest and easiest going kiddo ever. We don’t know if we have him for ever yet but I’m pretty sure that while I’m stroking “My Precious”, God is working in bigger and better ways to help me find the joy of my heart.
Andrea
0
No comments:
Post a Comment